Forward of the Day

2007-06-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

Sorry all. Out for surgery. Recovery going v. v. well, so should be back to posting asap!

Hope this finds you all well!

xo, Leigh

Subject: Good Recipe!

2007-05-11T17:52:00.000-04:00

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
____________________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.And you thought I couldn't cook...

*Thanks for the recipe Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: Happy Mother's Day Poem

2007-05-10T18:36:00.000-04:00

Before I was a Mom -
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom -
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom -
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

*Thanks for the lovely poem E.! www.crustybeef.blogspot.com*

FW: Happy Early Mother's Day!

2007-05-09T00:54:00.000-04:00

*Thanks Tammy! Frankfort, Kentucky*

FW: Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texas

2007-05-08T00:45:00.000-04:00

This story verified in Snopes.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/parkland.asp

Bryanna Bevens is a political consultant and former chief of staff for a member of the California StateAssembly.

by Bryanna Bevens

Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texasis a fairly famous institution and for a variet y of reasons:

1. John F. Kennedy died there in 1963

2. Lee Harvey Oswald died there shortly after

3. Jack Ruby-who killed Lee Harvey Oswald, died there a few years later by coincidence.

On the flip side, Parklandis also home to the second busiest maternity ward in the country with almost 16,000 new babies arriving each year. (That's almost 44 per day---every day)

A recent patient survey indicated that 70 percent of the women who gave birth at Parkland in the first three months of 2006 were illegal immigrants! Crikey, that's 11,200 anchor babies born every year just in Dallas. According to the article, the hospital spent $70.7 million delivering 15,938 babies in 2004 but managed to end up with almost $8 million dollars in surplus funding. Medicaid kicked in $34.5 million, Dallas County taxpayers kicked in $31.3 million and the feds tossed in another $9.5 million.

The average patient in Parkland's maternity wards is 25 years old, married and giving birth to her second child. She is also an illegal immigrant. By law, pregnant women cannot be denied medical care based on their immigration status or ability to pay. OK, fine. That doesn't mean they should receive better care than everyday, middle-class American citizens. But at Parkland Hospital, they do.

Parkland Memorial Hospital has nine prenatal clinics. NINE. The Dallas Morning News article followed a Hispanic woman who was a patient at one of the clinics and pregnant with her third child---her previous two were also born at Parkland. Her first two deliveries were fr ee and the Mexican native was grateful because it would have cost $200 to have them in Mexico. This time, the hospital wants her to pay $10 per visit and $100 for the delivery but she was unsure if she could come up with the money. Not that it matters, the hospital won't turn her away. (I wonder why they even bother asking at this point.)

How long has this been going on? What are the long-term effects? Well, another subject of the article was born at Parkland in 1986 shortly after her mother entered the U.S.illegally---now she is having her own child there as well. (That's right, she's technically a U.S.citizen.) These women receive free prenatal care including medication, nutrition, birthin g classes and child care classes. They also get freebies such as car seats, bottles, diapers and formula. Most of these things are available to American citizens as well but only for low-income applicants and even then, the red tape involved is almost insurmountable.

Because these women are illegal immigrants they do not have to provide any sort of legitimate identification---no proof of income. An American citizen would have to provide a social security number which would reveal their annual income---an illegal immigrant need only claim to be poor and the hospital must take them at their word.

My husband is a pilot for the United StatesNavy (yes, he fought in Iraq) and while the health care is good, we Navy wives don't get any of these perks! Car seats? Diapers? Not so much. So my question is this: Does our public medical care system treat illegal immigrants better than American citizens? Yes it does!As I mentioned, the care I have received is perfectly adequate but it's bare bones, meat and potato medical care---not top of the line.

Their (the illegals) medical care is free---simply because they are illegal immigrants? Once again, there is no way to verify their income. Parkland Hospital offers indigent care to Dallas County residents who earn less than $40,000 per year. (They also have to prove that they did not refuse health coverage at their current job. Yeah, the 'free' care is not so easy for Americans.)

There are about 140 patients who received roughly $4 million dollars for un-reimbursed medical care. As it turns out, they did not qualify for free treatment because they resided outside of Dallas County. So the hospital is going to sue them! Illegals get it all free! But U.S.citizens who live outside of Dallas County get sued! How stupid is this?

As if that isn't annoying enough, the illegal immigrant patients are actually complaining about hospital staff not speaking Spanish. In this AP story, the author speaks with a woman who is upset that she had to translate comments from the hospital staff into Spanish for her husband. The doctor was trying to explain the situation to the family and the mother was forced to translate for her husband who only spoke Spanish. This was apparently a great injustice to her.

"In an attempt to create a Spanish-speaking staff, Parkland Hospital is now providing incentives in the form of extra pay for applicants who speak Spanish. Additionally, medical students at the University of Texas Southwestern for which Parkland Hospital is the training facility will now have a Spanish language requirement added to their already jammed-packed curriculum. No other school in the country boasts such a ridiculous multi-semester (multicultural) requirement.

In the meantime, I have to end my column here. I have to go buy a car seat. (Ed: Sorry for the length, but this needs wide circulation----particularly to our "employees" in the Congress.)

Quote of the Day "Once the coffers of the federal government are opened to the public*, there will be no shutting them again." -Grover Cleveland

POST SCRIPT FROM A U.S.CITIZEN.--- Many of us are now in the so called, "Donut hole" with our prescriptions. We paid our money to protect us in our later years, but our people in Washington have elected to give it to the illegal immigrants, How fair can that be?

Fw: Senior Moment Personified

2007-05-07T00:43:00.000-04:00

Fw: Worse than Stolen Kidneys???

2007-05-06T00:40:00.000-04:00

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts wouldstay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upperarms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time . How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.

You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs -- and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
:))

Fw: Funny or Die: The Landlord

2007-05-05T00:37:00.000-04:00

The Landlord video making the rounds...

*Thanks Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: The Genie

2007-05-04T00:33:00.000-04:00

A woman was walking along a deserted beach one day when she saw an old bottle. She picked it up and while she was rubbing the sand off, smoke arose from it and a genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got 3 wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, 3-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for 500 years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family.
Doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f____ing map."

Fw: Pass the Butter!

2007-05-03T00:28:00.000-04:00

Pass The Butter ~ ~ ~ ~ This is interesting . . .

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.

DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine...

Very high in trans fatty acids.

Triple risk of coronary heart disease.

Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and
lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.

Lowers quality of breast milk.

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.And here's the most disturbing fact...

HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING! Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC. This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added,changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:

*no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

*it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not find a home to grow.

Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")

Chinese Proverb:"When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others."

*Thanks Tammy! Frankfort, Kentucky*

Fw: It's Sugar!

2007-05-02T10:38:00.000-04:00

Folks: These might be made of cake frosting but who could take a bite? You might appreciate these. Truly amazing and they are made of frosting!

THIS WOMAN IS DEFINITELY TALENTED.....

These are made with marzipan....really unbelievable! While some of the faces may look "crafted" rather than "real", every detail is amazing, and the rest looks VERY real. Be blessed and enjoy the talent given one person by God.

Definition of Marzipan: Almond paste--a sweet paste made of ground almonds and sugar, often with egg whites or yolks, used as a layer in cakes or molded into ornamental shapes.

UNBELIEVABLE!

Fw: Child Welfare in Kentucky

2007-05-01T10:43:00.000-04:00

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Lexington, Ky. courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the Highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Kentucky Wildcat Basketball team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Fw: Louisiana Lawyer to Love

2007-04-30T10:12:00.000-04:00

Only in Louisiana

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild.. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual Letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

Fw: The New Prozac

2007-04-29T23:00:00.000-04:00

Fw: Scam of the Day

2007-04-28T23:05:00.000-04:00

This is the coolest thing I have ever gotten. All you have to do is send it to 7 people and watch your screen, it is the funniest clip. I can't tell you what it is but I was laughing so hard I almost fell off my chair!!! So, send it to those 7 people and watch.

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!FRIENDS FOREVER!

Forward this to at least 7 people and see what happens on your screen. You will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!!!

If you forward it to 7 people a video comes on your screen. This works. I don't know how...but it works.

Fw: Ever Feel Like This?

2007-04-27T21:25:00.000-04:00

Ever feel like this?

Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to an unstable friend.
(Well...my job 's done!)

Fw: Bathroom Humor

2007-04-26T21:17:00.000-04:00

Fw: Surgery.Com

2007-04-25T21:15:00.000-04:00

Subject: Security Alert - Threatening Spam E-mails

2007-04-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

Security Alert
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Recently a new scam has appeared in state government e-mail boxes that uses fear rather than greed or sympathy to prey on recipients. The scam e-mail threatens to kill recipients if they do not pay thousands of dollars to the sender, who claims to be a hired assassin. The style and content of these e-mails varies and they are not targeting specific individuals. There have been no reports where the threats were carried out and no reports of money loss. Responding to the e-mail will result in verifying that your e-mail address is active and the sender may then escalate threats or send related spam e-mails.

These spam e-mails may or may not be marked as spam through your spam filter. Users are always advised to delete spam, ideally without opening it.

For more information on this scam, see the FBI report at http://www.fbi.gov/page2/jan07/threat_scam011507.htm.

Fwd: Amazing! Driftwood Horses

2007-04-23T23:54:00.000-04:00

These ladies build horses out of scrap driftwood they find.....

Not only are they beautiful but they are using what Mother Nature has left behind to create another form of art.

Hope you enjoyed and pass to others......

How To: Sound Intelligent, etc. etc.

2007-04-22T00:12:00.000-04:00

Sound Intelligent, Powerful, Polished, Articulate, and Confident

Do you want to sound intelligent, powerful, polished, articulate and confident? Of course you do! Voice coach Carol Fleming, Ph.D. gave us some great insights based on her years of study and working with thousands of clients.

TO SOUND MORE INTELLIGENT: Speak just a bit slower to allow yourself to select your most appropriate vocabulary and to give the impression of thoughtfulness.

TO SOUND MORE POWERFUL: Use short, simple declarative sentences. You say what you mean and you mean what you say. Cut out any useless connectors, adjectives and adverbs, especially superlatives.

TO SOUND MORE POLISHED: Never answer a question with a blunt 'yes' or 'no.' Append a short phrase of clarification. For example, "No, I did not see it." "Yes, I know Mary."

TO SOUND MORE ARTICULATE: Make a special effort to pronounce the final sound in a word and use its energy to carry over to the following word. Pay special attention to final 't' and 'ng.'

TO SOUND MORE CONFIDENT: Carry your body up. Hold your head as if you had a crown on it. Don't let your arms and legs have side to side motion when you move. Keep your elbows and knees close to the midline of your body.

Fw: Why Bicycle Shorts Are Always Black...

2007-04-21T23:49:00.000-04:00

Fw: Great Commentary from CBS Sunday Morning

2007-04-20T23:37:00.000-04:00

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary:

My confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a crèche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.

She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW." Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Fw: World's Tightest Pair of Jeans...EVER

2007-04-19T23:36:00.000-04:00

Fwd: FW: Fwd: Fw: This is a RIOT!

2007-04-18T22:16:00.000-04:00

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

*Thanks crustybeef! If only fairy tales would come true! crustybeef.blogspot.com*

Fwd: Achieving Inner Peace

2007-04-17T20:19:00.000-04:00

CREATING CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed,"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

"Whatever things are true,
Whatever things are honorable,
Whatever things are just,
Whatever things are pure,
Whatever things are lovely,
Whatever things are of good report,
If there be any virtue,
If there is any praise,
Think on these things." (phil, 4:6)

Fw: Awesome Croc

2007-04-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

Disgusting. Croc bites off Tiwanese vet's arm while he was attempting to medicate croc...for more, go to www.swimatyourownrisk.com.

Fw: Horror Movie

2007-04-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

Fw: The Mood Ring

2007-04-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin’ red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

*Thanks Steve! Frankfort, Kentucky*

Red Neck Love Poem

2007-04-13T23:49:00.000-04:00

Susie Lee done fell in love;

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all

She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,

You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,

But Joe is yo' half brother

So Susie put aside her Joe

And planned to marry Will.

But after telling Pappy this,

He said, There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,

And please don't tell your Mother,

But Will and Joe and several mo'

I know is yo' half brother

But Mama knew and said, My child,

Just do what makes you happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe

You ain't no kin to Pappy.

Fw: The helpful bees

2007-04-12T21:50:00.000-04:00

It will put a smile on your face...

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas."

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

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The bee answered, "BP."

*Thanks Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fwd: The Cross

2007-04-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

The cross is supposed to be swinging when you receive this.

I hope it still is. This is cool - had to pass it on. I think we could all use a miracle. I know I certainly can!!! You are in my 7 in 7 seconds. I am not breaking this. No way! I'M TOLD THIS WORKS!!! Just repeat this prayer and see how God moves!! "Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen."Share this message with 7 people and you will receive a miracle tomorrow. I Hope that you don't ignore; God bless.

Fw: How to...Create Your Monster Name

2007-04-10T22:39:00.000-04:00

How about a monster name for yourself?

Fw: Can You Name All the States?

2007-04-09T22:38:00.001-04:00

• Here's a fun online quiz, but before you click this link, you need to know how it works. Once you click though, a 10-minute timer will start, and you'll have that time to type in all 50 state names. Spell them correctly, of course, and hit "enter" after each one. When you've typed them all, or your 10 minutes is up, the game is over. I began by thinking of states that I'd visited or where friends lived, then trying to fill in the rest from my mental map of the country. My husband did it by trying to fill in one complete region of the country completely before moving on to another. However you do it, it's pretty interesting to see what states come first -- and last -- to your mind. Are you ready? GO! (Via Metafilter.)

FW: Fw: Barking Flowers

2007-04-08T22:27:00.000-04:00

Fw: Colonoscopies

2007-04-07T22:16:00.000-04:00

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous . . . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

Fw: Learning to Cuss

2007-04-06T21:57:00.000-04:00

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year-old nods his head in approval. The 6 year -old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' "

The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

*Thanks for the forward Bronwyn! Frankfort, Kentucky*

Fw: Traffic Jam

2007-04-05T21:53:00.000-04:00

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.

Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon"

*Thanks Richard! Oxford, Mississippi*

Fw: Priceless

2007-04-04T10:18:00.000-04:00

Make-up: $75.00

Breast implants: $6000.00

Forgetting to tuck in your privates: Priceless

*Thanks S.--you dirty perv!; Kentucky*

Fw: Hello Officer

2007-04-03T22:09:00.000-04:00

Hope you are having a good day. How true is this little story! I think we can all relate to this, if you are on the road much, you surely have seen it happen.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless.

Fw: Chocolate Bunnies

2007-04-02T14:10:00.000-04:00

Fw: Easter is...

2007-04-01T20:35:00.000-04:00

This is funny... in a sick and twisted way! Enjoy! xo, Leigh

Oops. Easter is obviously cancelled...

*Thanks Richard! Happy Easter to you too! Oxford, Mississippi*

Fw: A Nun Goes to Hooters

2007-03-31T18:20:00.000-04:00

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way" said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

*Thanks for the funny Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: Two Choices...

2007-03-30T00:36:00.000-04:00

Life decisions that people have to make are never simple. The importance of the initial decision should always be examined over the long run. Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way. Consider the following two choices...

Should I get a Dog ....

Or have children?

-
*Tough decision! Thanks Jeaneen! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*

Fw: The Coppertone Girl

2007-03-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

Remember that cute little Coppertone girl with her dog pulling on her blue bathing suit bottoms during the late 50's and throughout the 60's?

Well, she's all grown up now and is living in
Venice, Florida, near Venice Beach.

*Scary! Thanks Jeanelle! Frankfort, Kentucky*

Fw: On the Lighter Side

2007-03-28T13:51:00.000-04:00

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doctor, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home." "That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" says the man. The doctor replies "It's not unusual".

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly. "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

12. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No. The steaks are too high".

15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".

16. I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.

17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

18. A man walk into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor. "It's...um...well....I have five penises" replies the man. "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

19. A three legged dog walks into the Longbranch Saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

20. A duck walks ito a drugstore and tell the pharmacist, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

*Thanks Denise! Atlanta, Georgia*

Fwd: FW: Cockpit Conversations/More reasons to fly private from Jetworks Flight Services

2007-03-27T13:18:00.000-04:00

Subject: Cockpit Conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==========

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

==========

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

==========

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

==========

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

==========

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

==========

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind aB-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

==========

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was theproblem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained theflight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

==========

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

==========

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

==========

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

==========

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with aUnited 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

*Thanks Lars! Birmingham, Alabama*

Fw: Chocolate City New Orleans High School Math Proficiency Exam...

2007-03-26T13:31:00.000-04:00

CHOCOLATE CITY NEW ORLEANS HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________

Crib _________________

WHO YO DADDY BE? _________________________

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Tyrone gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Leroy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law bitch spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed on the school wall with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Toby knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Toby knocked up?

9. LaShanda is a lookout for the gang. LaShanda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShanda makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked in the back?

FW: Sleeping positions after drinking too much

2007-03-25T12:40:00.000-04:00

The Way you Sleep...

After two Beers:

After three glasses of Wine:

After four Kamikazes:

After a few shared bottles of wine:

After a few Margaritas:

After 2 bottles of Jack Daniels:

And after an evening of two beers, three wines, four kamikazes, margaritas and that bottle of Jack shared with those friends in Mexico...

*Thanks Bronwyn! Frankfort, Kentucky*

Subject: FW: FW: Got to love those red necks

2007-03-24T01:40:00.000-04:00

Fw: The BUI

2007-03-23T01:51:00.000-04:00

Fw: The Cat

2007-03-22T01:28:00.000-04:00

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One...You don't even have to like them to appreciate this one!

"We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked-I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car...."

*Thanks Anne! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: Computer Call Center Help

2007-03-21T01:50:00.000-04:00

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have Passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass It you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the Words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call Center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.

*Thanks Catherine! Jackson, Mississippi*

Subject: I think you're the father of one of my kids

2007-03-20T01:12:00.000-04:00

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

*Thanks Molly! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: Women's Lies

2007-03-19T01:19:00.000-04:00

Women's Lies

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.

*Thanks Larry! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*

Fw: Chinese Food Song

2007-03-18T01:07:00.000-04:00

That's not chicken...click below...

Chinese Food Song

*Thanks Stewart! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: IT Support Communication

2007-03-17T01:03:00.000-04:00

'Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate ------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support ------------------

Fw: Children & the Church

2007-03-16T00:56:00.000-04:00

This is good I had fun laughing hope you do too

CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
-----
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
-----
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
-----
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
-----
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
-----
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car...
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
-----
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
-----
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly--do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
-----
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
-----
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

Peace & Love

*Thank you Vickie! North Middletown, Kentucky*

Fw: Blondes Know Easter

2007-03-15T00:48:00.000-04:00

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind avery large boulder.

St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted.

*Thanks Jeanelle! Frankfort, Kentucky*

Fw: Who's a Fruit? I'm a Papaya

2007-03-14T00:34:00.000-04:00

Who's a fruit? Don't spoil it...just do it. Pick a fruit and forward it on (don't forget to send it back to the person that sent it to you) with the fruit you chose on the Subject line.

Which fruit will you pick if you were offered one of these?

1. Orange
2. Apple
3. Banana
4. Coconut
5. Pineapple
6. Papaya
7. Mango
8. Cherry
9. Black Grapes
10. Peach
11. Custard Apple
12. Pear

What is your pick???Pick before you scroll down... do not CHEAT!!!) YOU BETTER NOT BE CHEATING AND KEEP SCROLLING!!!

ORANGE - If orange is your favorite fruit, it speaks of a person who has enduring patience & will power. You like to do things slowly, but very thoroughly & are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy, but are reliable & trustworthy friend. You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care & you love with all your heart, & not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs.

APPLE - If apple is your favorite fruit, you are an extravagant, impulsive & outspoken person, often with a bit of a temper. While you may not be the best organizer yourself, you make a good team leader & are good at taking things forward. You can take quick action in most situations. You enjoy travel immensely. You ooze with charm when you are with your partner. You have an enthusiasm for life, unmatched by most.

BANANA -You are a softy! Loving, gentle, warm and sympathetic by nature is the banana lover. You often lack in self-confidence & are quite timid by nature. People often take advantage of your sweet temperedness, & sheer vulnerability to a situation. You adore your partner in every which way, both for their mental & physical beauty! Because of the way you are, your relationship is always very much in harmony!

COCONUT - The coconut lover is a serious, very thoughtful & contemplative person. Though you enjoy socializing, you are particular about the company you keep. You tend to be stubborn but not necessarily foolhardy. Shrewd, quick-witted& alert, you ensure that you are right on top of any given scenario, especially at work. You need a partner with brains, & while passion is important it certainly isn't everything for you.

PINEAPPLE - You are quick to decide & even quicker to act. You are brave in asking career changes, if that is what is to your advantage. You have exceptional organizing abilities & are undaunted by the size of the task at hand. You tend to be self reliant, sincere & honest in your dealings with others. Though you are not given to making friends very quickly, but once you do, it is for life. Your partner is often impressed with your sterling qualities but disappointed in your ability to show affection.

PAPAYA - You are truly fearless & take much that happens in life in your stride. You give considerable thought to things you do. You have a sense of humor that, along with your generous nature, keeps you in most people's good books. You are a go-getter in your professional life, have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. You enjoy meeting new people & seeing new sights whenever you can. Your sense of humor is what attracts members of the opposite sex to you more than anything else. It is simply charming!

MANGO - A mango lover is a personality to beckoned with; quite often, you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, & influencing you is not an easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes & dislikes, & at times even like to control a situation. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge. Strong as you may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, & make up for all the strong will elsewhere!

CHERRY - If cherry is your favorite fruit, life isn't always as sweet for you. You often face ups & downs, particularly professionally, & find that you make small sums of $$$, instead of a lump sum. You have a fertile imagination & are often involved in creative pursuits. You are a very sincere & loyal partner, but find that expressing your feelings is not very easy. Your home is your haven, & you love nothing more than being surrounded by close family & your beloved partner.

BLACK GRAPES - You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cool down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life; you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal & zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!

PEACH - Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life & all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, & are quite frank & outspoken, which adds to your charm.You are quick to forgive & forget; & value your friendships highly. Youhave an independent & ambitious streak in you that make you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery & passionate but sincere & faithful in love. You don't, however, like to display all that passion in public.

CUSTARD APPLE - You are a modest & conservative person who can be quite sensitive at times. You tend to be thoughtful & contemplative, & therefore are rarely rash in doing things. You are quite ambitious & are good at anything that requires much detailing or working with numbers. You are quick at finding fault with others. While looking for a partner, you value a person's intellect far above their looks or good old passion. You are quite shy & not very comfortable demonstrating affection.

PEAR - If you put your mind to something you can do it successfully, but by & large you tend to be fickle & have trouble completing a task with the enthusiasm you started it with. You need to know the results of your efforts almost immediately. You enjoy mental stimulation & love to get into a good discussion! You tend to be a restless & high-strung person, & are easily excited. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect! It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!

WHEN YOU FORWARD THIS TO YOUR EMAIL BUDDIES, PUT WHAT YOU PICKED FOR THE SUBJECT SO THEY CAN READ YOURS.

*Thanks Joanna! Albuquerque, New Mexico*

Fwd: Fw: Happy IVGLDSWD Day

2007-03-13T11:12:00.000-04:00

Happy IVGLDSW Day!
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day !
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. (Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I t hink of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson -

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!

Fw: Bizarre history of the Railroad Gauge

2007-03-12T10:40:00.000-04:00

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the manner of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses.

Thus we have the answer to the original question.

Now for the twist in the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' rumps.

So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!

Fw: Friends are like Balloons...

2007-03-11T10:44:00.000-04:00

Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you can't get them back. So I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.

Send this heart to everybody you like. You may also return it to me.

Send this to all your friends including me and see how many you get back.

If four hearts are returned to you, something you have been waiting for a long time will happen!!!!

Believe me...... It really happens! Send a lot of little hearts to your friends!!!

*Thanks Faith! Kentucky*

Fw: Five people on a plane...

2007-03-10T10:33:00.000-05:00

There are five people on a plane: a pilot, the President, a smart lady, an old man, and a school kid. The plane they are in is about to crash. Just as they were about to jump, they realized there were only four parachutes on the plane.

The President says: "Hey,I am the President so I should take the parachute." Then he jumps out of the plane.

The pilot says: "Come on I'm the one flying this plane so I should take the last parachute." Then he left the plane.

Now there are only three people left. The smart lady, the school kid, and the old man. The smart lady says: "Hey I'm the smart lady, so I should get the parachute." The smart lady knocks the kid down, takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The old man: "I don't have much time to live so I want the last parachute."

The school kid says: "We can both get out with a parachute."

The old man says: "How do you figure that?"

The school kid says: "Because the smart lady took my backpack."

Fw: Bush joke

2007-03-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

President Bush was feeling bad about how dumb everyone thinks he is. So one day he called his friend Queen Elizabeth and told her about his feelings. She replied that if he wanted to be smart he needed to hang around smart people. Listen she said as she called Tony Blair.

She told him, "Your mother and father had a baby, its not your brother or your sister, so who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me."

So bush hangs up and calls Cheney and asks him. "Your mother and father has a baby, its not your brother or your sister, who is it?"

Cheny tells Bush, "I'll call you back."

So Cheney hangs up and calls Colen Powell and asks him. "Your mother and father has a baby, its not your brother or your sister, who is it?" Powell tells Cheney, "It's me."

So Cheny calls Bush and said, "It's Powell." Bush tells him, "No you idiot--it's Tony Blair. HEHE."

Fw: The True Beginning of the Internet

2007-03-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And that is how it all began; it wasn't Al Gore after all.

Fw: Plumber With a Sense of Humor

2007-03-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

*Thanks Molly! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: No Parent Left Behind

2007-03-06T07:51:00.000-05:00

All teachers will appreciate this...

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. Spellings have been left intact. Most of them are funny, but some are just sad. #11 has to be the best...

1) MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTORS CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2) PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3) DEAR SCHOOL PLEASE ECSCs JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4) PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5) PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6) JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7) CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8) MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9) CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10) PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11) PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE--THE SH&#S. (*NOTE: Words in this note were crossed out...)

12) PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13) IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14) PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHERS FAULT. (You know, this could be legit)

15) I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16) PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17) MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. (I absolutely LOVE that one)

18) PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19) PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20) GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21) PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22) MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!!!

*Thanks Anne! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: Female Wisdom

2007-03-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

WISDOM OF THE AGELESS

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't repair it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket with a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that with this load?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Fw: Decorating by Horoscope

2007-03-04T10:53:00.000-05:00

I don't completely agree with this (purples? Ick.) but thought it was interesting...xo, Leigh

Aquarius

Creative, committed to helping others; loves blue, splashing water, innovative designs, and entertaining.

Pisces

Imaginative, intuitive, emotional; love greens and blues, music and art, silvery finishes, plush textures, oceanic motifs.

Aries

Energetic, competitive, charismatic; first to embrace design trends; loves reds and white, gold and bronze finishes, sparkling crystals (like the birthstone diamond).

Taurus

Loves antiques, florals, greens and blues, comfort and luxury, romantic touches.

Gemini

Inquisitive, smart, sociable; great multitasker; loves games, sculpture, metallic finishes, greens and yellows.

Cancer

Sensitive, sympathetic, affectionate; financially savvy; loves silver, white, green; treasures home, family, and memories.

Leo

Ruling planet: Sun. Colors: gold, ruby red. Adores over-the-top grandeur in interiors and entertaining, always first with the latest technologies, organized yet highly creative.

Virgo

Ruling planet: Mercury. Colors: green, brown. Meticulous, organized, a listmaker, committed to healthy eating and clean, well-ordered surroundings.

Libra

Ruling planet: Venus. Color: blue. Scales are the icon for Librans, who are warm, romantic, and eager to enjoy and share the finer things in life.

Scorpio

Ruling planet: Pluto. Colors: deep reds, burgundy, crimson. Scorpio is a passionate, charismatic personality who loves being involved in meaningful endeavors.

Sagittarius

Ruling planet: Jupiter. Colors: regal shades of purple. A born traveler, Sagittarians are smart, uncomplicated, and full of fun, with an optimistic outlook.
-

Capricorn

Ruling planet: Saturn. Colors: rich browns, black. Capricorn has a wonderful sense of humor, a disciplined approach to responsibilities, and an appreciation for professionalism.

*Thanks for the forward Taylor! Baton Rouge, Lousiana*

Fw: THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

2007-03-03T10:46:00.000-05:00

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes. And there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 -- on one condition."

(There are always conditions!)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

(Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . .

wait for it...

wait for it...

"Clean my house."

(YOU GO GIRL)

*Thanks JM! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: When it is okay to use the "F" word

2007-03-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

*Thanks for the forward T! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*

Fw: I Can Explain Officer...

2007-03-01T07:22:00.000-05:00

Police issue Willie Nelson and friends misdemeanor citations for possession of magic mushrooms and a pound and a half of marijuana after pulling over his tour bus on Interstate 10 near Lafayette. Officers report Nelson is cooperative and relaxed...

No kidding.

Fw: Tennessee Ten Commandments

2007-02-28T07:16:00.000-05:00

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.

So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language...no joke. Read on...

The Hillbilly Ten Commandments
(Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, Tennessee)

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

*Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?
Y'all have a nice day!

Fw: Scam From Ireland

2007-02-27T10:24:00.000-05:00

From: webonline1@bellsouth.net
To: info@irishnationallottery.net
Subject: PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2007 14:00:41 -0500

THE IRISH ONLINE COMPANY
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
DEPT IRISH ONLINE AVENUE
STAMFORD BRIDGE LONDON.
SW1V 3DW UNITED KINGDOM

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded
annual final draws held on the (1ST FEB 2007) by IRISH ONLINE in
conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won £1,000,000.0 each on the THE IRISH ONLINE COMPANY PROMOTION. However the results were released on the 10th FEB 2007 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2006) and ballot number (BT:12052006/20).

The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of 29,031 E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet.However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy. The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.

This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Boar and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR).This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public. In other to claim your £1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated courier company. However, you will have to fill the form below and send it to the Promotion manager of THE IRISH ONLINE COMPANY for verification and then you will be directed to the courier company where a cheque of £1,000,000.00 has already been deposited in your favour.

NAME:.....................................
AGE:........................................
SEX:........................................
ADDRESS:...............................
EMAIL:....................................
PHONE:...................................
OCCUPATION:.........................
NATIONALITY..........................
COMPANY:..............................
COUNTRY:...............................

Please you are advice to complete the form and send it immediately to our Promotion manager through email or fax for prompt collection of your fund from the designated courier company. Contact Person:

Dr. Williams Spencer
Tel: +44-702-407-8463
Fax:+44-707-515-8123
E MAIL: contact_claimsoffice@yahoo.ie

You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number. (This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained).

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Rose Morrison

Fwd: Are You Kathlick?

2007-02-26T13:04:00.000-05:00

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church...

...but, only the janitor was there.
-
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
-
"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

"When they got outside, one of them asked,

"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, ... because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, ... because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, ... because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!?"

They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians!"

Fw: What "PMS" Really Stands For...

2007-02-25T13:27:00.000-05:00

13 Things PMS Stands For:

(1.) Pass My Shotgun

(2.) Psychotic Mood Shift

(3.) Perpetual Munching Spree

(4.) Puffy Mid-Section

(5) People Make me Sick

(6.) Provide Me with Sweets

(7.) Pardon My Sobbing

(8.) Pimples May Surface

(9.) Pass My Sweat pants

(10.) Pissy Mood Syndrome

(11.) Plainly, Men Stink

(12.) Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

(13.) Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends

and those who might need a good laugh!

...Or men who need a warning.

Fw: What Baby Are You? December

2007-02-24T13:36:00.000-05:00

Put your birthday month after the title of this e-mail and pass it on! Bet you forward this to everybody in your address book - I did! These are adorable and I'll bet they fit your b-day/personality to a T.

What baby are you?

---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 minutes and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.

----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 minutes and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match.

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate, shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will meet your new love in 8 days.

------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive.Positive attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 minutes, a Cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.

-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp. Thoughts easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. DislikeBeing at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak to much in the next 4 days.

------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. A wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! In the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.

----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties In studying. Loves to be with friends. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 minutes and your reputation will boost some way in the next 12 days.

------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. In need of "that someone." Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain." Caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter. Repost in 5 minutes and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.

------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. if you do not repost this in the next 5 minutes, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days.

---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest and sexiest of them all. Repost this in 5 minutes or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.

---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music and the arts.

*Thanks for the forward Michelle! Washington, DC*

Fw: Living in 2007...

2007-02-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

You know you are living in 2007 when:

1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

*Thanks Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: How to Change Your Name...

2007-02-22T10:46:00.000-05:00

This is funny, you should try it...

1. YOUR REAL NAME:
(Fake name used for example...)

Leigh Elizabeth Phillips

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:
(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.)

Lei-izzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:
(fav color and fav animal)

Red Dane

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:
(middle name, and current street)

Elizabeth Dover Court

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)

PhiLe

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME:
(Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink)

Sage Martini

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME:
(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name)

Eiziign

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
(parents middle name)

Anne Taylor Louis

9. YOUR GOTH NAME:
(black, and the name of one of your pets)

Black Zelda

*Thanks for the funny forward Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*
Just call me Lei-izzle!

Subject: CDC ALERT: New Disease

2007-02-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

New STD strain appears in New Orleans...

ATLANTA. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans. The disease is contracted through ignorance coupled with dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and pronounced "gonna re-lect em." Many victims have contracted it and keep screwing themselves year after year.

The strain first appeared in early 2006 when Mayor Nagin was returned to the mayor's office. The current strain surfaced again this past fall when William Jefferson won the runoff election. The Center for Disease Control has issued a severe warning this past week that there is danger this strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans may be in the process of mutating and infect the entire State of Louisiana by early fall, just in time for the Governor's election.

Fw: The History of Mardi Gras

2007-02-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

Happy Happy Mardi Gras Y'all!

xoxo, Leigh

The celebration of Mardi Gras came to North America from France where it had been celebrated since the Middle Ages. In 1699, French explorer Iberville and his men explored the Mississippi River from the Gulf of Mexico. On a spot 60 miles south of the present location of New Orleans, they set up camp on the river’s West Bank. Knowing that the day, March 3, was being celebrated as a major holiday in Paris, they christened the site Point du Mardi Gras.
-
But Mardi Gras’ roots predate the French. Many see a relationship to the ancient tribal rituals of fertility that welcomed the arrival of Spring. A possible ancestor of the celebration was the Lupercalia, a circus-like orgy held in mid-February in Rome. The early Church fathers, realizing that it was impossible to divorce their new converts from their pagan customs, decided instead to direct them into Christian channels. Thus Carnival was created as a period of merriment that would serve as a prelude to the penitential season of Lent...
-
For more history and information, just click: Arthur Hardy's Mardi Gras Guide--the foremost authority on Mardi Gras!

Fw: Nominated as the Best Short Joke

2007-02-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet honey. Not yet," she replied.

FW: Fw: New Drugs for Women

2007-02-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by

reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers

and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

S T. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by

rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women.

Two full cups swallowed before an evening out

increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,

resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling

road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance

to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.

Increases potency,duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember

your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone

too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband,

provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh,

and any man who can handle it.

Fw: Words Women Use...

2007-02-17T22:00:00.000-05:00

Words Women Use:

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: Tis is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A women is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F..... YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Hurricane Lili Up Close and Personal

2007-02-16T16:25:00.000-05:00

Water spouts from Hurricane Lili 2002

SCAM: From Linda Ogalie

2007-02-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Respectful,

I have just gotten your contact from my late father Directory Mr Micheal Ogali a Native of Kono District in the Northerh province of Sierra Leone, He was the Controller and Chairman,Association of Sierra Leone Gold Mining co-operation (A.S.L.G.M.C.)Freetown.

I inherited a total of US $4.2 Million, Which my late father deposited in a SECURITY COMPANY .I am the next of Kin as the only daugther but i'm a complete novice and very confused over this .Please could you assist to provide your following details as the Company has instruted because my late father made it notice with the Company that the box will be release to me as the next of kin.

Before the peak of the civil war between the rebels forces of major Paul Koroma and the combined forces of ECOMOG peace keeping operation that almost destroyed my country,following the forceful removal from power of the civilian elected President Ahmed Tejan Kabbah by the rebels. My father had already made arrangement for his family thats talking about my mother and myself to be evacuated to Abidjan the capital Republic of Cote D'Ivoire with the CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT, he made with a security firm in Abidjan through the aid of U.N evacuation team.

I'm now in the Abidjan and could not return to our country since the war has ended. During the war in my country and following the indiscriminate looting of Public and Government properties by the rebel forces,the Sierra Leone mining coop, was one of the target looted and it was destroyed.My father including other top Government functionaries were attaked and killed by the rebels because of his relationship with the civilian government of Ahmed musa Kabbah.

As a result of my father's death and with the news of my uncle' involvement in the air crash in January it dashed our hope of survival The untimely deaths caused my mother's heart failure and other related complications of which she later died in the hospital after alot of money spent on her early this year. But due to the circumatance beyond my father death, my mother advice me to fined a person worthy to help me in this process. However i have choose to shift the box out side Ivory Coast so i can also come over to your country where there is economic and government stability so i can peacefully conclude my education.

My Names are Linda Ogali I'am Age 22 years old . I have every document backing this.

I wait to hear from you .

Thank you Linda Ogali

The History of Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T15:55:00.000-05:00

The History of Valentine's Day care of the History Channel

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.

Special thanks to American Greetings.

FW: THEY WALK AMONG US

2007-02-13T15:36:00.000-05:00

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it. " For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution. . . They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted. . . ."Look at that dead bird". Someone looked up at the sky and said. . . "Where?" They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real-estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. " He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we over- heard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder. They walk among us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . .They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . . They Walk AmongUs!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nosering attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us, too!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!

*Thanks for the funny forward Vickie! North Middletown, Kentucky*

FW: Insights from Secret Service

2007-02-12T15:28:00.000-05:00

AS THEY SAY IN SPAIN, YOU CAN HAVE NO SECRETS FROM THE SERVANTS! YOU WILL FIND THE SECRET SERVICE VIEWS ON THE PERSONALITIES OF PAST PRESIDENTS TO BE QUITE INTERESTING.

For those who don't know... Capt. Denny Keast flies for UAL and flew many SAM's (Special Air Mission's) for the White House Secret Service.

I flew 4 Presidential support missions in the C-141 out of Dover AFB, DE Two for President Johnson and two for President Nixon.

Johnson was a first class jerk and on the two occasions I flew for him, if the Secret Service and their Liaison in the Pentagon hadn't intervened, we would have had to stay on the airplane for hours while he (Johnson) was off somewhere. Nixon never required that, and the four (4) stops we made with him he was cordial to the Secret Service and to me and my crew.

We had a neighbor when I lived in DC who was part of the secret service presidential detail for many years. His stories of Kennedy and Johnson were the same as those I heard from the guys who flew the presidents' plane.

Yes, Kennedy did have Marilyn Monroe flown in for secret "dates," and LBJ was a typical Texas "good ole boy" womanizer. Nixon, Bush 41, and Carter never cheated on their wives. Clinton cheated, but couldn't match Kennedy or LBJ in style or variety.

The information below is accurate: The elder Bush and current president Bush make it a point to thank and take care of the air crews who fly them around.

When the president flies, there are several planes that also go, one carries the armored limo, another the security detail, plus usually a press aircraft.

Both Bush's made it a point to stay home on holidays, so the Air Force and security people could have a day with their families.

WHAT WAS:

Hillary Clinton was arrogant and orally abusive to her security detail.

She forbade her daughter, Chelsea, from exchanging pleasantries with them. Sometimes Chelsea, miffed at her mother's obvious conceit and mean spiritedness ignored her demands and exchanged pleasantries regardless, but never in her mother's presence.

Chelsea really was a nice, kindhearted, and lovely young lady. The consensus opinion was that Chelsea loved her Mom but did not like her. Hillary Clinton was continuously rude and abrasive to those who were charged to protect her life. Her security detail dutifully did their job, as professionals should, but they all loathed her and wanted to be on a different detail.

Hillary Clinton was despised by the Secret Service as a whole. Former President Bill Clinton was much more amiable than his wife. Often the Secret Service would cringe at the verbal attacks Hillary would use against her husband. They were embarrassed for his sake by the manner and frequency in which she verbally insulted him, sometimes in the presence of the Secret Service, and sometimes behind closed doors. Even behind closed doors Hillary Clinton would scream and holler so loudly that everyone could hear what she was saying.
Many felt sorry for President Clinton and most wondered why he tolerated it instead of just divorcing his "attack dog" wife. It was crystal clear that the Clinton 's neither liked nor respected each other and this was true long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Theirs was genuinely a "marriage of convenience."

Chelsea was much closer to her father than her mother, even after the Lewinsky scandal, which hurt her gravely. Bill Clinton did in fact have charisma, and occasionally would smile at or shake hands with his security detail. Still, he always displayed an obvious air of superiority towards them.

His security detail uniformly believed him to be disingenuous, false, and that he did nothing without a motive that in some way would enhance his image and political career. He was polite, but not kind. They did not particularly like him and nobody trusted him.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN:

Al Gore was the male version of Hillary Clinton. They were more friendly toward each other than either of them were towards former President Clinton.

They were not intimate, so please don't read that in. They were very close in a political way. Tipper Gore was generally nice and pleasant. She initially liked Hillary but soon after the election she had her "pegged" and no longer liked her or associated with her except for events that were politically obligatory.

Al Gore was far more left wing than Bill Clinton. Al Gore resented Bill Clinton and thought he was too "centrist." He despised all Republicans. His hatred was bitter and this was long before he announced for the Presidency. This hatred was something that he and Hillary had in common. They often said as much, even in the presence of their security detail. Neither of them trusted Bill Clinton and, the Secret Service opined, neither of them even liked Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton did have some good qualities, whereas Al Gore and Hillary had none, in the view of their security details.

Al Gore, like Hillary, was very rude and arrogant toward his security detail. He was extremely unappreciative and would not hesitate to scold them in the presence of their peers for minor details over which they had no control. Al Gore also looked down on them, as they finally observed and learned with certainty on one occasion. Al got angry at his offspring and pointed at his security detail and said, "Do you want to grow up and be like them?"

Word of this insult by the former Vice-President quickly spread and he became disliked by the Secret Service as Hillary. Most of them prayed Al Gore would not be elected President, and they really did have private celebrations in a few of their homes after President Bush won. This was not necessarily to celebrate President Bush's election, but to celebrate Al Gore's defeat.

WHAT IS:

Everyone in the Secret Service wants to be on First Lady Laura Bush's detail. Without exception, they concede that she is perhaps the nicest and most kind person they have ever had the privilege of serving. Where Hillary patently refused to allow her picture to be taken with her security detail, Laura Bush doesn't even have to be asked, she offers.

She doesn't just shake their hand and say, "Thank you." Very often, she will give members of her detail a kindhearted hug to express her appreciation. There is nothing false about her. This is her genuine nature. Her security detail considers her to be a "breath of fresh air." They joke that comparing Laura Bush with Hillary Clinton is like comparing "Mother Teresa" with the "Wicked Witch of the North."

Likewise, the Secret Service considers President Bush to be a gem of a man to work for. He always treats them with genuine respect and he always trusts and listens to their expert advice. They really like the Crawford, Texas detail. Every time the president goes to Crawford he has a Bar-B-Q for his security detail and he helps serve their meals. He sits with them, eats with them, and talks with them. He knows each of them by their first name, and calls them by their first name as a show of affection. He always asks about their family, the names of which he always remembers. They believe that he is deeply and genuinely appreciative of their service.

They could not like, love, or respect anyone more than President Bush. Most of them did not know they would feel this way, until they had an opportunity to work for him and learn that his manner was genuine and consistent. It has never changed since he began his Presidency. He always treats them with the utmost respect, kindness, and compassion.

Please pass this on. It is important for Americans to have a true inside understanding of their President.

*Thanks for the insightful forward Taylor! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*

Fwd: Fw: Prom Day in "The Hood"

2007-02-11T15:11:00.000-05:00

Just when you think you've seen it all ...

Prom Day in "The Hood" !!

WTF are they walking on? Red Saran Wrap?

"Hookers on Ice" makes an appearance at the prom...

Nothing like having a dress made to showcase your bikini.

Let's hope that she's wearing panties.

Do you know how much luggage had to die to make these outfits? I especially like that even the tennis shoes match...

Oh how I wish I wore a garter to my prom!

It would be too cruel to comment...okay, okay. I give.

Fat hookers on parade...

What exactly is holding up the dress on the left?

The Blazers couple did this look better.

Oh no she didn't! Oh yes she did!

Most people get knocked up after the prom...not 8 months before!

Did the girl on the left rip her dress or intentionally cut it to showcase her cellulite?

Hookers on Ice Part II

The token white guy.

MY EYES! OH GAWD MY EYES! THEY'RE BURNING!

Wow. A helicopter made out of hair...

Creative? Yes. Unusual? Yes. Unbelievably tacky? Hell yes.

I'm not even going to go there...

*Thanks for the funny photos Anne! Paris, Kentucky*

New Words for 2007

2007-02-10T17:13:00.000-05:00

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to couch potato.

8. DINK: Dual Income, No Kids.

9. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

10: WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

-
11. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

12. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

13. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

14. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

15. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------
-
16. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundlyinappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
-
17. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
-
18. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
-
19. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
-
20. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

*Thanks for the vocabulary lesson Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Sniffer the Drug Dog

2007-02-09T11:01:00.000-05:00

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent And that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seatnumber and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Disorder in the American Courts

2007-02-08T11:13:00.000-05:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place... (click photo of book to review or purchase via Amazon.com)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty .
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
_________________________________

And the best for last...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

*I know this is similar to a previous post on 10.06.2006, but this one gives credit where credit is due! Enjoy! xo, L*

Subject: FYI: Louisiana

2007-02-07T11:09:00.000-05:00

Just in case Hurricane Katrina causing the levees to break in New Orleans is the only thing you know about Louisiana, read the following to learn a few more facts:

The Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans is the largest enclosed stadium in the world.

The Lake Pontchartrain Causeway is the longest over-water bridge in the world at 23.87 miles.

Baton Rouge was the site of the only American Revolution battle outside the 13 colonies.

The formal transfer of the Louisiana Purchase was made at the Cabildo in New Orleans on December 20, 1803.

Louisiana's 6.5 million acres of wetlands are the greatest in the nation.

The oldest City in the Louisiana Purchase Territory is Natchitoches, founded in 1714.

The first bottler of Coca-Cola, Joseph Biedenharn, lived in Monroe, La.

Delta Airlines got its start in Monroe.

Louisiana is the No. 1 producer of crawfish, alligators and shallots in the nation.

Louisiana produces 24 percent of the nation's salt, the most in the country.

Much of the world's food and oil passes through the Port of Orleans.

Louisiana has the tallest state Capitol in the nation at 450 feet.

The staircase at Chretien Point, in Sunset, was copied after Tara in "Gone With the Wind".

Tabasco holds the second oldest food trademark in the U.S. Patent Office.

Steen's Syrup Mill is the world's largest syrup plant, producing sugar cane syrup.

America's oldest rice mill is the KONRIKO Co. in New Iberia.

The International Joke Telling Contest is held annually in Opelousas.

The Louisiana Hayri de radio show helped Hank Williams, Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash achieve stardom. It was broadcast from KWKH Radio in Shreveport from 1948.

So there!! Now you know the rest of the story!!!!

*Thanks for reminding me of home Taylor! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*

Fw: The Perfect Husband

2007-02-06T10:41:00.000-05:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a Bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last Year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They Will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

5%

2007-02-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said,"Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either.

*Thanks Vickie! North Middletown, Kentucky*

Intelligence Test

2007-02-04T08:40:00.000-05:00

Intelligence Test

What: Exercise your brain waves by attempting to decipher combos of letters and numbers.

Why: Show off your street smarts.

Where: Online at intelligence-test.net.

Subject: IQ is 50

2007-02-03T08:32:00.000-05:00

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100."

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....

Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, "Uh...bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e ...y-o-u-r ... p-e-o-p-l-e ... g-o-i-n-g ... t-o ...n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e ... H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?

*Thanks for the joke Richard! Oxford, Mississippi*

Fw: Brain Teasers and Illusions

2007-02-02T11:46:00.000-05:00

Testing, testing, 1-2-3 testing...
Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.

More than likely you said, "A bird in the bush," and........
if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see
that the word THE is repeated twice!
Sorry, look again.

Next, let's play with some words.
What do you see?

In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL (inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too, because it visualize the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the absence of good is evil ).

Now, what do you see?

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?

What do you see here?

This one is quite tricky!
The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.

NOW
What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in brown, but.......
when you look through ME
you will see
YOU!

Do you need to look again?

---------------------------------------

Test Your Brain
This is really cool. The second one is amazing so please read all the way though.

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

-
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes!

-------------------------------------------------

More Brain Stuff . From CambridgeUniversity .

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!!

Psas Ti ON !

*Thanks for the brain teasers Ann! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*