8.31.2006

Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe

I seriously doubt this story is true and I love my Neimans, but I've received this e-mail so many times, I felt obligated to post...

xoxo, Leigh


A little background: Neiman-Marcus, if you don't know already, is a very expensive store; i.e., they sell your typical $8.00 T-shirt for $50.00. Let's let them have it! THIS IS A TRUE STORY!

Here's the story: My daughter and I had just finished a salad at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas, and we decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie."

It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe, and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not, but you can buy the recipe."

Well, I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty - it's a great deal!"

I agreed to that, and told her to just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285.00! I looked again, and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe-$250.00".

That was outrageous! I called Neimans' Accounting Department and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty", which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money because, according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money at this point."

I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in the state of Texas. I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and the Texas Attorney General's office for engaging in fraud.

I was basically told, "Do what you want. Don't bother thinking of how you can get even, and don't bother trying to get any of your money back." I just said, Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun."

I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you ripped me off!" and slammed down the phone. So here it is!

Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this, and I don't want Neiman-Marcus to EVER make another penny off of this recipe!

NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIES(Recipe may be halved)
2 cups butter
24 oz chocolate chips
4 cups flour
2 cups brown sugar
2 tsp. soda
1 tsp. salt
2 cups sugar
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
5 cups blended oatmeal
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar, and nuts. Roll into balls, and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.

PLEASE READ THE RECIPE AND SEND IT TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS! THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC!!Even if the people on your e-mail list don't eat sweets send it to them and ask them to pass it on. Let's make sure we get this lady's $250.00 worth. Enjoy the cookies, they are good....

8.30.2006

Steven. You're Screwed. (too bad you don't actually exist...)

We all know now that this was just a marketing ploy by a PR firm to get media buzz, but it's amusing none-the-less...

xo, L

8.28.2006

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

8.27.2006

People Come Into Your Life for a Reason

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you. Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime. Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including the person who sent it to you.

0 Replies - you may need to work on your "people skills"

2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing

4 Replies - you have picked your friends well

6 Replies - you are downright popular

8 Replies or More - you are totally awesome (and that's probably why you're on MY list)

I wonder what mine will be.

8.26.2006

A Loving Husband


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

8.25.2006

Attention All Dogs!

ATTENTION ALL DOGS!!!
Instructions for properly hugging a baby.

First, spy a baby.

Second, be sure that the object you spied was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers, this is indeed a baby.

Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

The "paw slide" - Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented "hug, smile, and lean" so as to achieve the best photo quality.
Dogs, if this is done properly, it will secure you a warm, dry,climate-controlled environment for the rest of your life.

Good luck to all of you!

8.24.2006

You Know It's Summer in the South When...

YOU KNOW IT'S SUMMER IN THE SOUTH WHEN...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out
and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home. . . God Bless Our South!

8.22.2006

Boudreaux, the Catholic

Boudreaux jokes are a staple in Louisiana and the deep South. Enjoy his antics--between Boudreaux, Blonde and lawyer jokes, I've got forwards for a lifetime!

xo, L

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish..."

8.21.2006

Lawyer vs. Sheriff's Deputy

I've found that I'm spending a lot of my time on my personal blog posting jokes and forwards that I appear to be inundated with daily...so I thought I'd share the love.

Now, when you are absolutely mind-numbingly bored at work, or just want to piss off your friends, you have a source for those pesky little forwards everyone loves...

Enjoy!
xo, Leigh



Subject: Lawyer vs. Sheriff's Deputy

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

The lawyer decides to have some fun at the deputy's expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming. "

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket; if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

8.20.2006

Geography of a Woman

Subject: FW: Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by a dick.

8.19.2006

Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f------ Chihuahua???!!!"

8.18.2006

Subject: Hurricane Preparedness

A forward from my Mississippi relatives...
xo, L

Subject: Hurricane Preparedness

TO: Ex-Mississippians, present Mississippians, and future Mississippians or those who know a Mississippian. (Also important for anyone living in Louisiana, Florida, Alabama, North Carolina, Georgia and parts of Texas.)

We've just entered a new hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic...

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Mississippi. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "The Big One.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Iowa and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Mississippi. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) it is located in Iowa.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Mississippi, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Katrina, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

(a) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

(b) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

(c) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"HURRICANE-PROOF'' WINDOWS: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Iowa.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches,check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in alow-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Mississippi", you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess ofs upplies. Do not buy them now! Mississippi tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

-23 flashlights

-At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

-Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

-A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

-A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

-A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew or Katrina; after the hurricane; there WILL be irate alligators.)

-$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rainslickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet-you should come. Really!