Lexington, Kentucky Barbies

Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Lexington, Kentucky market:



" Hamburg Barbie"

This princess Barbie is sold only at Fairfield Commons Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Masterson Station Barbie"

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

" Winchester Barbie"

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Chevy Chase Barbie"

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Richmond Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Woodhill Barbie"

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Chevy Chase Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Downtown Barbie"

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Downtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Nicholasville Barbie"

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"East End Barbie/Ken"

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

*Thanks for the forwards Nancy & Carrie! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: Afternoon Inspiration

Why isn't this all over the news?

If he had done something wrong, it surely would be!

(Click photo to enlarge text)

*Thanks for the inspiration Michelle! Washington, DC*

For All My Crackpot Friends

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

And send this to any or all of your crackpot friends within 5 minutes and see what happens! Don't forget the Crackpot that sent it to you!

Battle of the Sexes

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University- Prof. Miller.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

The following was actually turned in by two of the English students - a girl named Rebecca and a guy Mike !!
-------------------------------------------------------
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
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Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.

Advertising Gone Wrong

Today, Acme Power Imaging announced it's rush-releasing a beta edition of its AD-CAT! digital medical advertising software in two hospitals in late August, undoubtedly (though they don't actually say it) so the company can put it through the Labor Day holiday spike in emergency room activity.

The way it works is this: Let's say you've run your skateboard and yourself under a pick-up truck or something and they've carted you off to the emergency room, where the doctor orders a CAT scan. They feed your sad, busted-up ass into the scan and lo and behold...digital visuals!--advertising projected right in front of you!

The great thing is--the ads are context-sensitive; for example, you probably won't see a Bud Lite ad if you've f*cked yourself up driving after having 15 beers.

"The beta test is part of a ongoing product discovery process," Rupert Sacbust, Acme Power's CEO, explained. "We're hoping to design an experience that gives maximum advertising traction for the dollar while remaining sensitive to the patients' needs. The commercial visuals will be interwoven with medical information that is patient specific."

When asked whether there are any plans to offer audio advertising, Sacbust demurred, "The audio's considered obtrusive in the clinical setting, but it may be a possibility in the future. We're seeing some promising results in our research using music subliminals with blunt force trauma patients."

Athletes Say the Dumbest Things

_______________________

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
_______________________

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
_______________________

"That was just instinct. Kind of like running from the cops."

-Virginia senior tailback Marquis Weeks after his 100 yard kick-off return led to a touchdown.
_________________________

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
_________________________

People Say the Dumbest Things

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
_______________________

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

-Mariah Carey, pop music singer
_______________________

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-Brooke Shields, actress, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
_______________________

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

-Lee Iacocca
_________________________

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
_________________________

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

-Keppel Enderbery
__________________________

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
__________________________

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
__________________________

Politicians Say the Dumbest Things

_______________________

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

-Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC.
_______________________

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

-Hillary Clinton, wife of President Bill Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
_______________________

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

-A congressional candidate in Texas
_______________________

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-Al Gore, Vice President
________________________

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."

-George Bush, President
_________________________

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-Dan Quayle, Vice President
_________________________

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
_________________________

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

-Bill Clinton, President
_________________________

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-Al Gore, Vice President
_________________________

Fw: Redneck Pick Up Lines

I think my friends are sick ... after you get this, you can think the samething . Still - I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!

**Redneck Man's pick up lines**

*1) Did you fart? *
*cuz you blew me away.*

*2) Are yer parents retarded? *
*cuz ya sure are special. *

*3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .*
*I can't hold it in.*

*4) Do you have a library card?*
*cuz I'd like to sign you out.*

*5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?*
*cuz I can see myself in em.*

*6) If you was a tree an I were a Squirrel,*
*I'd store my nuts in yer hole.*

*7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,*
*but beauty's only a light switch away.*

*8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"*
*Woman - "WHAT?"*
*Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."*

*9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,*
*but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.*

*10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? *
*I think he went inta this cheap motel room.*

*11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.*

*12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,*
*we kin sleep til afternoon.*

and.... the best for last!

*13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,*
*every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.*

*Do you use these lines often Stewart? Thanks for the forward!*
*Lexington, Kentucky*

The Dalai Lama's Instructions for Life

*Thanks for the Good Karma Mere! Vermont*

E-mail Addresses Gone Wrong...

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml.

They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses:
===============================
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

How to Solve a Squirrel Problem

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church,
The Catholic Church, and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will...

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

*Thanks Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Inner Peace via Dr. Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed,

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some M&M's and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel! Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace!

*Thanks Chuck! Good luck with that inner peace! Big Pine Key, Florida*

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog

Chemistry Test: Hell Freezes Over

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term examination paper. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, which is that "gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed" or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then option 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only A.

*Thanks for continuing my "Hell Freezes Over" theme Frank!*
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Boudreaux: Hell Freezes Over

Boudreaux the Cajun died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux.

When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."

That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."

As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW,Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one Happy Cajun!"

The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one Happy Cajun?!!"

Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!"

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.... GEAUX SAINTS!!!!

MLK Jr's "I Have a Dream" Speech

New Orleans Humor

Caller to 911: "My friend just had a heart attack and he's unconscious! Please send an ambulance immediately!"

Operator: "Ok sir, just calm down now and we'll have an ambulance on the way. What is the address?"

Caller: "456 Tchoupitoulas Street!"

Operator: "Could you spell that for me sir?"

Caller: ... long pause ... "How about if I drag him over to Camp?"

*Thanks Cathy! Fayetteville, Georgia*

Photo Funnies Volume 4,578

Airbags.

Hope you can hold it...

Shaq, he's not...

Your tax dollars at work.

McBurnt.

Um, loud enough for you?

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

After reading this, I feel soooo much better about my diet!!!

Health Question & Answer Session

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride!"

Well, now have a steak and take a nap….

*Thank you for the forward Floyd & Jordi! Teruel, Spain*

Witty Company Signs...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

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On another Septic Tank Truck:

"We' re #1 in the #2 business."

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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In a church parking lot no-parking zone:

"No parking. Violators will be baptised."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company :

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window :

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************

More Animal Antics

I would think twice before getting naked and hosing down a cat in the shower. They have claws you know...

A little privacy please?

That's going to hurt...

Busted.

Automotive Photo Funnies...

Forget Something?

Slight pile up...

Ouch.

Bad judgment...

No diploma required?

The Real Desperate House Wives...

U.S. Space Shuttle Launch from the Russian Space Station

*Thanks for the cool pic Robert! Frankfort, Kentucky*

The Old Phone

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

"Information."

"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.

I said I could.

"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." "Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.

"Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."

I laughed, "So it's really you," I said.

"I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?

"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to so look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" she said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?"

"Yes." I answered.

"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on?

I just did....Lifting you on eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey... NOT a guided tour.

I loved this story and just had to pass it on. I hope you enjoy it and get a blessing from it just as I did.

*I must be hormonal. This post brought tears to my eyes.
Thanks for the forward Mum. I miss you.*

Abbey: Men's answer to Maxine

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!

*Thanks for the forward Hubert! Grand Prairie, Texas*

Not so dumb blonde: "Cough Syrup"

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blond clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blond clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blond clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Women's Clever Answers to Men's Pick-Up Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

FW: If You Need A Laugh

(Hmmm....)

( Laugh if you're a bad person...)