Subject: Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
9.30.2006
9.29.2006
Northern v. Southern Football
Planning for the Fall Football Season
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is played
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of themstand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air after the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his Legs..."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is played
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of themstand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air after the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his Legs..."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
9.28.2006
Stress Management
In case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works...
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. Bubbles slowly float to the surface creating a gentle gurgling sound.
7. The water is crystal clear.
8. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater...
See! You're smiling already.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. Bubbles slowly float to the surface creating a gentle gurgling sound.
7. The water is crystal clear.
8. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater...
See! You're smiling already.
9.27.2006
50 Questions
This is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be LAME and spoil the fun! Just give in and do it. Copy, not forward, this entire e-mail and paste it into a new email. Change all the answers so that they apply to you then send this to a whole bunch of people you know *including* the person who sent it to you. Put your last name in the subject. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. It is a fun and easy 50 questions to answer.
1. FIRST NAME? None of your business
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My grandmother, her grandmother, etc. etc.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Tuesday morning.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's okay.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Honey ham?
6. KIDS? Not yet. Maybe never.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Maybe. I'm a tad moody.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Occasionally.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Moi? Never.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No. They left me for being moody.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes, but really want to go sky diving more.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Don't eat much cereal. Like Cream of Wheat in the winter.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, no, but don't underestimate the power of adrenaline. Emotionally, yes.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Haagen Daz Coffee, hands down.
16. SHOE SIZE? 7.5-8
17. RED OR PINK? Red
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Thighs & nose. It's a tie.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My grandparents & Barkleigh, my yorkie.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Of Course!
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Wearing a brown tweed skirt & brown leather spectator pumps
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? radio in my office & construction workers clomping around in architecture firm upstairs.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? No idea.
25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? T's ancient polo cologne (reminds me of when we first met); warm baking bread, my mom's fudge in the oven...
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Mum.
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Eyes.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes!
29. FAVORITE DRINK: Iced chai with skim milk. Green tea with lemon.
30. FAVORITE SPORT? LSU & UK football; tennis; golf
31. HAIR COLOR? Dark Blond
32. EYE COLOR? Blue
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Had them since I was 7. I'm legally blind without them.
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings.
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? "North Country" on HBO.
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Brown sweater to match tweed skirt & pumps.
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. Raised in the heat and I like it that way.
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses.
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Key Lime Pie (summer) or warm bread pudding--NO raisins!!! (winter)
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? n/a
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? n/a
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? "The Judgment of Paris" by Ross King (about the birth of Impressionism)
44. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Tulane Alum Assn.
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Don't remember. Couldn't have been that good, as I fell asleep watching it.
46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SOUND? Waves crashing on shore.
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones (Going to see them at Churchill Downs this Friday!!! Yeah!)
48. THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Copenhagen, Denmark but this is a trick question, as Denmark was home for a few years...
49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm not only an attorney and a calligrapher; I'm also a smart-ass.
1. FIRST NAME? None of your business
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My grandmother, her grandmother, etc. etc.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Tuesday morning.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's okay.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Honey ham?
6. KIDS? Not yet. Maybe never.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Maybe. I'm a tad moody.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Occasionally.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Moi? Never.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No. They left me for being moody.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes, but really want to go sky diving more.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Don't eat much cereal. Like Cream of Wheat in the winter.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, no, but don't underestimate the power of adrenaline. Emotionally, yes.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Haagen Daz Coffee, hands down.
16. SHOE SIZE? 7.5-8
17. RED OR PINK? Red
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Thighs & nose. It's a tie.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My grandparents & Barkleigh, my yorkie.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Of Course!
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Wearing a brown tweed skirt & brown leather spectator pumps
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? radio in my office & construction workers clomping around in architecture firm upstairs.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? No idea.
25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? T's ancient polo cologne (reminds me of when we first met); warm baking bread, my mom's fudge in the oven...
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Mum.
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Eyes.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes!
29. FAVORITE DRINK: Iced chai with skim milk. Green tea with lemon.
30. FAVORITE SPORT? LSU & UK football; tennis; golf
31. HAIR COLOR? Dark Blond
32. EYE COLOR? Blue
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Had them since I was 7. I'm legally blind without them.
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings.
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? "North Country" on HBO.
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Brown sweater to match tweed skirt & pumps.
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. Raised in the heat and I like it that way.
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses.
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Key Lime Pie (summer) or warm bread pudding--NO raisins!!! (winter)
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? n/a
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? n/a
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? "The Judgment of Paris" by Ross King (about the birth of Impressionism)
44. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Tulane Alum Assn.
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Don't remember. Couldn't have been that good, as I fell asleep watching it.
46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SOUND? Waves crashing on shore.
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones (Going to see them at Churchill Downs this Friday!!! Yeah!)
48. THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Copenhagen, Denmark but this is a trick question, as Denmark was home for a few years...
49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm not only an attorney and a calligrapher; I'm also a smart-ass.
9.24.2006
9.23.2006
9.22.2006
9.21.2006
9.19.2006
Your House As Seen By...
YOUR HOUSE as seen by:
Yourself...
Your Lender...
Your Buyer...
Your Appraiser...
Your Tax Assessor...
9.18.2006
How to Win an Argument
How to Win Arguments As it Were I argue very well.
Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expoundingon the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question. OR
You say Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.
* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expoundingon the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question. OR
You say Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.
* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
9.17.2006
X Marks the Spot
Supply your own answers and annoy the sheeet out of all your friends who have gotten this e-mail ten zillion times in one version or another...
Place an X by all the things you've done, or Remove the x from the oneyou have not, and send it to all of your friends(including me). BE HONEST!!!!!This is for your entire life - Have you ever:
(x) Smoked a cigarette
(x) Drank so much you threw up
() Crashed a friend's car
() Stolen a car
(x) Been dumped
() Shoplifted
() Been laid off/fired/dormant company
(x) Quit your job
(x) Been in a fist fight (in second grade with a girl named Rachel...can't remember her last name)
() Snuck out of your parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
() Been arrested
() Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
() Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die
() Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost (ummm, daily?)
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington, DC (lived there for a while)
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
() Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins (they love me at Wendy's...)
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under mistletoe
(x) Watched the sun rise or set with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Made a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(x) Gone roller-skating
(x) Gone Ice-skating
(x) Watched the clouds and tried to figure out what they were shaped like
Any nicknames? Leigh-Leigh, B.L.
What is your favorite drink? Iced Chai with skim milk.
Tattoos? None
Bodypiercing? Ears, used to have my belly button pierced.
How much do you love your job? I plead the fifth.
Birthplace: Louisiana
Favorite vacation spot? Florida/Mexico
Future destination of Choice? Tour of the Greek isles; Singapore; Egypt; Back to Paris...
Ever been to Africa? Not yet.
Ever steal any traffic signs? Probably when we were in high school. Think my brother used one as a coffee table for a while...
Ever been in a car accident? Yes
2 Door or 4 Doors? 2 in the Bronco, 4 in the Volvo
Salad dressing? Basalmic vinegrette.
Favorite pie? Key Lime, Anna's Brown Sugar
Favorite number? 12 and 7
Favorite movie? Lots. Breakfast at Tiffany's, Dr. Zhivago, Steel Magnolias, Sliding Doors, the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth, the Thin Man series.
Favorite holiday? Christmas or Thanksgiving, whenever I get to see my Mum & eat her spinach madeline.
Favorite food? All of it. Sushi especially these days.
Favorite day of the week? Saturday. Get to sleep in and get everything done that didn't get taken care of during the week.
Favorite brand of body soap? Ivory
Tooth paste? Whitening paste (no gel!)
Favorite smell? Rain.
What do you do to relax? What's that?
Message to your friends reading this? Wasssup.
How do you see yourself in 10 years? Sucessful CEO and maybe a mum.
What do you do when you are bored? Watch old movies and organize things.
Furthest place you will send this message? New Orleans
Who will respond the fastest? ?
Least likely to respond? ?
What time is it now? 10:19 pm
Place an X by all the things you've done, or Remove the x from the oneyou have not, and send it to all of your friends(including me). BE HONEST!!!!!This is for your entire life - Have you ever:
(x) Smoked a cigarette
(x) Drank so much you threw up
() Crashed a friend's car
() Stolen a car
(x) Been dumped
() Shoplifted
() Been laid off/fired/dormant company
(x) Quit your job
(x) Been in a fist fight (in second grade with a girl named Rachel...can't remember her last name)
() Snuck out of your parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
() Been arrested
() Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
() Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die
() Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost (ummm, daily?)
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington, DC (lived there for a while)
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
() Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins (they love me at Wendy's...)
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under mistletoe
(x) Watched the sun rise or set with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Made a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(x) Gone roller-skating
(x) Gone Ice-skating
(x) Watched the clouds and tried to figure out what they were shaped like
Any nicknames? Leigh-Leigh, B.L.
What is your favorite drink? Iced Chai with skim milk.
Tattoos? None
Bodypiercing? Ears, used to have my belly button pierced.
How much do you love your job? I plead the fifth.
Birthplace: Louisiana
Favorite vacation spot? Florida/Mexico
Future destination of Choice? Tour of the Greek isles; Singapore; Egypt; Back to Paris...
Ever been to Africa? Not yet.
Ever steal any traffic signs? Probably when we were in high school. Think my brother used one as a coffee table for a while...
Ever been in a car accident? Yes
2 Door or 4 Doors? 2 in the Bronco, 4 in the Volvo
Salad dressing? Basalmic vinegrette.
Favorite pie? Key Lime, Anna's Brown Sugar
Favorite number? 12 and 7
Favorite movie? Lots. Breakfast at Tiffany's, Dr. Zhivago, Steel Magnolias, Sliding Doors, the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth, the Thin Man series.
Favorite holiday? Christmas or Thanksgiving, whenever I get to see my Mum & eat her spinach madeline.
Favorite food? All of it. Sushi especially these days.
Favorite day of the week? Saturday. Get to sleep in and get everything done that didn't get taken care of during the week.
Favorite brand of body soap? Ivory
Tooth paste? Whitening paste (no gel!)
Favorite smell? Rain.
What do you do to relax? What's that?
Message to your friends reading this? Wasssup.
How do you see yourself in 10 years? Sucessful CEO and maybe a mum.
What do you do when you are bored? Watch old movies and organize things.
Furthest place you will send this message? New Orleans
Who will respond the fastest? ?
Least likely to respond? ?
What time is it now? 10:19 pm
9.16.2006
Case of the Pregnant Lady
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a signthat said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a signthat said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
9.15.2006
The Judge Knows Best
Lawyers should nev er ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
9.13.2006
25 Signs You Have Grown Up!!!
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a bunk bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in a shopping centre.
6. You watch the ABC.
7. Your friends marry & divorce instead of "hook up" and break-up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 20.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# What Happened?"
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take weekend naps from noon
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a Kebab at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the Chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again!"
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read and reread this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it as much as you did & do the same...
2. Having sex in a bunk bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in a shopping centre.
6. You watch the ABC.
7. Your friends marry & divorce instead of "hook up" and break-up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 20.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# What Happened?"
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take weekend naps from noon
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a Kebab at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the Chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again!"
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read and reread this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it as much as you did & do the same...
9.11.2006
Ben Stein's Last Column
For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column called "Monday Night At Morton's." (Morton's is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column is worth a few minutes of your time.Ben Stein's Last Column...
============================================
How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World? As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.
It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.
Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important . They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.
How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.
They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.
A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.
A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.
The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.
We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghani stan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.
I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.
There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.
Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.
I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.
But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.
This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that l ife lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
Ben Stein
============================================
How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World? As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.
It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.
Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important . They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.
How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.
They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.
A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.
A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.
The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.
We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghani stan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.
I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.
There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.
Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.
I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.
But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.
This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that l ife lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
Ben Stein
9.10.2006
9.09.2006
Sunburn & Viagra
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The Doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The Doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
9.08.2006
Walmart Medical Testing...
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe puts his urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe puts his urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart"
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!
9.07.2006
The Hillbilly Vasectomy
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
AFTER THEIR 11TH CHILD, AN ALABAMA COUPLE DECIDED THAT WAS ENOUGH AS THEY COULD NOT AFFORD A LARGER BED.
SO THE HUSBAND WENT TO HIS VETERINARIAN AND TOLD HIM THAT HE AND HIS COUSIN DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN.
THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS A PROCEDURE CALLED A VASECTOMY THAT COULD FIX THE PROBLEM BUT THAT IT WAS EXPENSIVE.
"A LESS COSTLY ALTERNATIVE," SAID THE DOCTOR, "IS TO GO HOME, GET A CHERRY BOMB." (FIREWORKS ARE LEGAL IN ALABAMA) "LIGHT IT, PUT IT IN A BEER CAN, THEN HOLD THE CAN UP TO YOUR EAR AND COUNT TO 10."
THE ALABAMIAN SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "I MAY NOT BE THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, BUT I DON'T SEE HOW PUTTING A CHERRY BOMB IN A BEER CAN NEXT TO MY EAR IS GOING TO HELP ME."
"TRUST ME," SAID THE DOCTOR.
SO THE MAN WENT HOME, LIT A CHERRY BOMB AND PUT IT IN A BEER CAN. HE HELD THE CAN UP TO HIS EAR AND BEGAN TO COUNT
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
AT WHICH POINT HE PAUSED, PLACED THE BEER CAN BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND RESUMED COUNTING ON HIS OTHER HAND...
(*THIS PROCEDURE ALSO WORKS IN KENTUCKY, ARKANSAS, TENNESSEE, MISSISSIPPI AND WEST VIRGINIA.)
AFTER THEIR 11TH CHILD, AN ALABAMA COUPLE DECIDED THAT WAS ENOUGH AS THEY COULD NOT AFFORD A LARGER BED.
SO THE HUSBAND WENT TO HIS VETERINARIAN AND TOLD HIM THAT HE AND HIS COUSIN DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN.
THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS A PROCEDURE CALLED A VASECTOMY THAT COULD FIX THE PROBLEM BUT THAT IT WAS EXPENSIVE.
"A LESS COSTLY ALTERNATIVE," SAID THE DOCTOR, "IS TO GO HOME, GET A CHERRY BOMB." (FIREWORKS ARE LEGAL IN ALABAMA) "LIGHT IT, PUT IT IN A BEER CAN, THEN HOLD THE CAN UP TO YOUR EAR AND COUNT TO 10."
THE ALABAMIAN SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "I MAY NOT BE THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, BUT I DON'T SEE HOW PUTTING A CHERRY BOMB IN A BEER CAN NEXT TO MY EAR IS GOING TO HELP ME."
"TRUST ME," SAID THE DOCTOR.
SO THE MAN WENT HOME, LIT A CHERRY BOMB AND PUT IT IN A BEER CAN. HE HELD THE CAN UP TO HIS EAR AND BEGAN TO COUNT
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
AT WHICH POINT HE PAUSED, PLACED THE BEER CAN BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND RESUMED COUNTING ON HIS OTHER HAND...
(*THIS PROCEDURE ALSO WORKS IN KENTUCKY, ARKANSAS, TENNESSEE, MISSISSIPPI AND WEST VIRGINIA.)
9.06.2006
The Picture on the Nightstand...
Subject: The Picture on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry...
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry...
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
9.04.2006
Rope Tricks
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
9.03.2006
Why Thank You Dear!
Why Thank You Dear
===================
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
===================
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
9.02.2006
Little Known Maritime Facts
A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)
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