Fwd: FW: Cockpit Conversations/More reasons to fly private from Jetworks Flight Services

Subject: Cockpit Conversations

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind aB-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was theproblem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained theflight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with aUnited 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

*Thanks Lars! Birmingham, Alabama*

Fw: Five people on a plane...

There are five people on a plane: a pilot, the President, a smart lady, an old man, and a school kid. The plane they are in is about to crash. Just as they were about to jump, they realized there were only four parachutes on the plane.

The President says: "Hey,I am the President so I should take the parachute." Then he jumps out of the plane.

The pilot says: "Come on I'm the one flying this plane so I should take the last parachute." Then he left the plane.

Now there are only three people left. The smart lady, the school kid, and the old man. The smart lady says: "Hey I'm the smart lady, so I should get the parachute." The smart lady knocks the kid down, takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The old man: "I don't have much time to live so I want the last parachute."

The school kid says: "We can both get out with a parachute."

The old man says: "How do you figure that?"

The school kid says: "Because the smart lady took my backpack."

Sniffer the Drug Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent And that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seatnumber and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Mandarin Airlines Instills Confidence

The pilot should listen to this eloquent child

I'm Following This Guy

How to tell if there is a terrorist at the airport...