A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon"
*Thanks Richard! Oxford, Mississippi*
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
4.05.2007
3.09.2007
Fw: Bush joke
President Bush was feeling bad about how dumb everyone thinks he is. So one day he called his friend Queen Elizabeth and told her about his feelings. She replied that if he wanted to be smart he needed to hang around smart people. Listen she said as she called Tony Blair.
She told him, "Your mother and father had a baby, its not your brother or your sister, so who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me."
So bush hangs up and calls Cheney and asks him. "Your mother and father has a baby, its not your brother or your sister, who is it?"
Cheny tells Bush, "I'll call you back."
So Cheney hangs up and calls Colen Powell and asks him. "Your mother and father has a baby, its not your brother or your sister, who is it?" Powell tells Cheney, "It's me."
So Cheny calls Bush and said, "It's Powell." Bush tells him, "No you idiot--it's Tony Blair. HEHE."
She told him, "Your mother and father had a baby, its not your brother or your sister, so who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me."
So bush hangs up and calls Cheney and asks him. "Your mother and father has a baby, its not your brother or your sister, who is it?"
Cheny tells Bush, "I'll call you back."
So Cheney hangs up and calls Colen Powell and asks him. "Your mother and father has a baby, its not your brother or your sister, who is it?" Powell tells Cheney, "It's me."
So Cheny calls Bush and said, "It's Powell." Bush tells him, "No you idiot--it's Tony Blair. HEHE."
2.21.2007
Subject: CDC ALERT: New Disease
New STD strain appears in New Orleans...
ATLANTA. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans. The disease is contracted through ignorance coupled with dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and pronounced "gonna re-lect em." Many victims have contracted it and keep screwing themselves year after year.
The strain first appeared in early 2006 when Mayor Nagin was returned to the mayor's office. The current strain surfaced again this past fall when William Jefferson won the runoff election. The Center for Disease Control has issued a severe warning this past week that there is danger this strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans may be in the process of mutating and infect the entire State of Louisiana by early fall, just in time for the Governor's election.
ATLANTA. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans. The disease is contracted through ignorance coupled with dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and pronounced "gonna re-lect em." Many victims have contracted it and keep screwing themselves year after year.
The strain first appeared in early 2006 when Mayor Nagin was returned to the mayor's office. The current strain surfaced again this past fall when William Jefferson won the runoff election. The Center for Disease Control has issued a severe warning this past week that there is danger this strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans may be in the process of mutating and infect the entire State of Louisiana by early fall, just in time for the Governor's election.
2.12.2007
FW: Insights from Secret Service
AS THEY SAY IN SPAIN, YOU CAN HAVE NO SECRETS FROM THE SERVANTS! YOU WILL FIND THE SECRET SERVICE VIEWS ON THE PERSONALITIES OF PAST PRESIDENTS TO BE QUITE INTERESTING.
For those who don't know... Capt. Denny Keast flies for UAL and flew many SAM's (Special Air Mission's) for the White House Secret Service.
I flew 4 Presidential support missions in the C-141 out of Dover AFB, DE Two for President Johnson and two for President Nixon.
Johnson was a first class jerk and on the two occasions I flew for him, if the Secret Service and their Liaison in the Pentagon hadn't intervened, we would have had to stay on the airplane for hours while he (Johnson) was off somewhere. Nixon never required that, and the four (4) stops we made with him he was cordial to the Secret Service and to me and my crew.
We had a neighbor when I lived in DC who was part of the secret service presidential detail for many years. His stories of Kennedy and Johnson were the same as those I heard from the guys who flew the presidents' plane.
Yes, Kennedy did have Marilyn Monroe flown in for secret "dates," and LBJ was a typical Texas "good ole boy" womanizer. Nixon, Bush 41, and Carter never cheated on their wives. Clinton cheated, but couldn't match Kennedy or LBJ in style or variety.
The information below is accurate: The elder Bush and current president Bush make it a point to thank and take care of the air crews who fly them around.
When the president flies, there are several planes that also go, one carries the armored limo, another the security detail, plus usually a press aircraft.
Both Bush's made it a point to stay home on holidays, so the Air Force and security people could have a day with their families.
WHAT WAS:
Hillary Clinton was arrogant and orally abusive to her security detail.
She forbade her daughter, Chelsea, from exchanging pleasantries with them. Sometimes Chelsea, miffed at her mother's obvious conceit and mean spiritedness ignored her demands and exchanged pleasantries regardless, but never in her mother's presence.
Chelsea really was a nice, kindhearted, and lovely young lady. The consensus opinion was that Chelsea loved her Mom but did not like her. Hillary Clinton was continuously rude and abrasive to those who were charged to protect her life. Her security detail dutifully did their job, as professionals should, but they all loathed her and wanted to be on a different detail.
Hillary Clinton was despised by the Secret Service as a whole. Former President Bill Clinton was much more amiable than his wife. Often the Secret Service would cringe at the verbal attacks Hillary would use against her husband. They were embarrassed for his sake by the manner and frequency in which she verbally insulted him, sometimes in the presence of the Secret Service, and sometimes behind closed doors. Even behind closed doors Hillary Clinton would scream and holler so loudly that everyone could hear what she was saying.
Many felt sorry for President Clinton and most wondered why he tolerated it instead of just divorcing his "attack dog" wife. It was crystal clear that the Clinton 's neither liked nor respected each other and this was true long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Theirs was genuinely a "marriage of convenience."
Chelsea was much closer to her father than her mother, even after the Lewinsky scandal, which hurt her gravely. Bill Clinton did in fact have charisma, and occasionally would smile at or shake hands with his security detail. Still, he always displayed an obvious air of superiority towards them.
His security detail uniformly believed him to be disingenuous, false, and that he did nothing without a motive that in some way would enhance his image and political career. He was polite, but not kind. They did not particularly like him and nobody trusted him.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN:
Al Gore was the male version of Hillary Clinton. They were more friendly toward each other than either of them were towards former President Clinton.
They were not intimate, so please don't read that in. They were very close in a political way. Tipper Gore was generally nice and pleasant. She initially liked Hillary but soon after the election she had her "pegged" and no longer liked her or associated with her except for events that were politically obligatory.
Al Gore was far more left wing than Bill Clinton. Al Gore resented Bill Clinton and thought he was too "centrist." He despised all Republicans. His hatred was bitter and this was long before he announced for the Presidency. This hatred was something that he and Hillary had in common. They often said as much, even in the presence of their security detail. Neither of them trusted Bill Clinton and, the Secret Service opined, neither of them even liked Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton did have some good qualities, whereas Al Gore and Hillary had none, in the view of their security details.
Al Gore, like Hillary, was very rude and arrogant toward his security detail. He was extremely unappreciative and would not hesitate to scold them in the presence of their peers for minor details over which they had no control. Al Gore also looked down on them, as they finally observed and learned with certainty on one occasion. Al got angry at his offspring and pointed at his security detail and said, "Do you want to grow up and be like them?"
Word of this insult by the former Vice-President quickly spread and he became disliked by the Secret Service as Hillary. Most of them prayed Al Gore would not be elected President, and they really did have private celebrations in a few of their homes after President Bush won. This was not necessarily to celebrate President Bush's election, but to celebrate Al Gore's defeat.
WHAT IS:
Everyone in the Secret Service wants to be on First Lady Laura Bush's detail. Without exception, they concede that she is perhaps the nicest and most kind person they have ever had the privilege of serving. Where Hillary patently refused to allow her picture to be taken with her security detail, Laura Bush doesn't even have to be asked, she offers.
She doesn't just shake their hand and say, "Thank you." Very often, she will give members of her detail a kindhearted hug to express her appreciation. There is nothing false about her. This is her genuine nature. Her security detail considers her to be a "breath of fresh air." They joke that comparing Laura Bush with Hillary Clinton is like comparing "Mother Teresa" with the "Wicked Witch of the North."
Likewise, the Secret Service considers President Bush to be a gem of a man to work for. He always treats them with genuine respect and he always trusts and listens to their expert advice. They really like the Crawford, Texas detail. Every time the president goes to Crawford he has a Bar-B-Q for his security detail and he helps serve their meals. He sits with them, eats with them, and talks with them. He knows each of them by their first name, and calls them by their first name as a show of affection. He always asks about their family, the names of which he always remembers. They believe that he is deeply and genuinely appreciative of their service.
They could not like, love, or respect anyone more than President Bush. Most of them did not know they would feel this way, until they had an opportunity to work for him and learn that his manner was genuine and consistent. It has never changed since he began his Presidency. He always treats them with the utmost respect, kindness, and compassion.
Please pass this on. It is important for Americans to have a true inside understanding of their President.
*Thanks for the insightful forward Taylor! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*
For those who don't know... Capt. Denny Keast flies for UAL and flew many SAM's (Special Air Mission's) for the White House Secret Service.
I flew 4 Presidential support missions in the C-141 out of Dover AFB, DE Two for President Johnson and two for President Nixon.
Johnson was a first class jerk and on the two occasions I flew for him, if the Secret Service and their Liaison in the Pentagon hadn't intervened, we would have had to stay on the airplane for hours while he (Johnson) was off somewhere. Nixon never required that, and the four (4) stops we made with him he was cordial to the Secret Service and to me and my crew.
We had a neighbor when I lived in DC who was part of the secret service presidential detail for many years. His stories of Kennedy and Johnson were the same as those I heard from the guys who flew the presidents' plane.
Yes, Kennedy did have Marilyn Monroe flown in for secret "dates," and LBJ was a typical Texas "good ole boy" womanizer. Nixon, Bush 41, and Carter never cheated on their wives. Clinton cheated, but couldn't match Kennedy or LBJ in style or variety.
The information below is accurate: The elder Bush and current president Bush make it a point to thank and take care of the air crews who fly them around.
When the president flies, there are several planes that also go, one carries the armored limo, another the security detail, plus usually a press aircraft.
Both Bush's made it a point to stay home on holidays, so the Air Force and security people could have a day with their families.
WHAT WAS:
Hillary Clinton was arrogant and orally abusive to her security detail.
She forbade her daughter, Chelsea, from exchanging pleasantries with them. Sometimes Chelsea, miffed at her mother's obvious conceit and mean spiritedness ignored her demands and exchanged pleasantries regardless, but never in her mother's presence.
Chelsea really was a nice, kindhearted, and lovely young lady. The consensus opinion was that Chelsea loved her Mom but did not like her. Hillary Clinton was continuously rude and abrasive to those who were charged to protect her life. Her security detail dutifully did their job, as professionals should, but they all loathed her and wanted to be on a different detail.
Hillary Clinton was despised by the Secret Service as a whole. Former President Bill Clinton was much more amiable than his wife. Often the Secret Service would cringe at the verbal attacks Hillary would use against her husband. They were embarrassed for his sake by the manner and frequency in which she verbally insulted him, sometimes in the presence of the Secret Service, and sometimes behind closed doors. Even behind closed doors Hillary Clinton would scream and holler so loudly that everyone could hear what she was saying.
Many felt sorry for President Clinton and most wondered why he tolerated it instead of just divorcing his "attack dog" wife. It was crystal clear that the Clinton 's neither liked nor respected each other and this was true long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Theirs was genuinely a "marriage of convenience."
Chelsea was much closer to her father than her mother, even after the Lewinsky scandal, which hurt her gravely. Bill Clinton did in fact have charisma, and occasionally would smile at or shake hands with his security detail. Still, he always displayed an obvious air of superiority towards them.
His security detail uniformly believed him to be disingenuous, false, and that he did nothing without a motive that in some way would enhance his image and political career. He was polite, but not kind. They did not particularly like him and nobody trusted him.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN:
Al Gore was the male version of Hillary Clinton. They were more friendly toward each other than either of them were towards former President Clinton.
They were not intimate, so please don't read that in. They were very close in a political way. Tipper Gore was generally nice and pleasant. She initially liked Hillary but soon after the election she had her "pegged" and no longer liked her or associated with her except for events that were politically obligatory.
Al Gore was far more left wing than Bill Clinton. Al Gore resented Bill Clinton and thought he was too "centrist." He despised all Republicans. His hatred was bitter and this was long before he announced for the Presidency. This hatred was something that he and Hillary had in common. They often said as much, even in the presence of their security detail. Neither of them trusted Bill Clinton and, the Secret Service opined, neither of them even liked Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton did have some good qualities, whereas Al Gore and Hillary had none, in the view of their security details.
Al Gore, like Hillary, was very rude and arrogant toward his security detail. He was extremely unappreciative and would not hesitate to scold them in the presence of their peers for minor details over which they had no control. Al Gore also looked down on them, as they finally observed and learned with certainty on one occasion. Al got angry at his offspring and pointed at his security detail and said, "Do you want to grow up and be like them?"
Word of this insult by the former Vice-President quickly spread and he became disliked by the Secret Service as Hillary. Most of them prayed Al Gore would not be elected President, and they really did have private celebrations in a few of their homes after President Bush won. This was not necessarily to celebrate President Bush's election, but to celebrate Al Gore's defeat.
WHAT IS:
Everyone in the Secret Service wants to be on First Lady Laura Bush's detail. Without exception, they concede that she is perhaps the nicest and most kind person they have ever had the privilege of serving. Where Hillary patently refused to allow her picture to be taken with her security detail, Laura Bush doesn't even have to be asked, she offers.
She doesn't just shake their hand and say, "Thank you." Very often, she will give members of her detail a kindhearted hug to express her appreciation. There is nothing false about her. This is her genuine nature. Her security detail considers her to be a "breath of fresh air." They joke that comparing Laura Bush with Hillary Clinton is like comparing "Mother Teresa" with the "Wicked Witch of the North."
Likewise, the Secret Service considers President Bush to be a gem of a man to work for. He always treats them with genuine respect and he always trusts and listens to their expert advice. They really like the Crawford, Texas detail. Every time the president goes to Crawford he has a Bar-B-Q for his security detail and he helps serve their meals. He sits with them, eats with them, and talks with them. He knows each of them by their first name, and calls them by their first name as a show of affection. He always asks about their family, the names of which he always remembers. They believe that he is deeply and genuinely appreciative of their service.
They could not like, love, or respect anyone more than President Bush. Most of them did not know they would feel this way, until they had an opportunity to work for him and learn that his manner was genuine and consistent. It has never changed since he began his Presidency. He always treats them with the utmost respect, kindness, and compassion.
Please pass this on. It is important for Americans to have a true inside understanding of their President.
*Thanks for the insightful forward Taylor! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*
2.03.2007
Subject: IQ is 50
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100."
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....
Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, "Uh...bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e ...y-o-u-r ... p-e-o-p-l-e ... g-o-i-n-g ... t-o ...n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e ... H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?
*Thanks for the joke Richard! Oxford, Mississippi*
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100."
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....
Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, "Uh...bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e ...y-o-u-r ... p-e-o-p-l-e ... g-o-i-n-g ... t-o ...n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e ... H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?
*Thanks for the joke Richard! Oxford, Mississippi*
1.24.2007
Politicians Say the Dumbest Things
_______________________
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC.
_______________________
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton, wife of President Bill Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
_______________________
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas
_______________________
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Al Gore, Vice President
________________________
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, President
_________________________
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle, Vice President
_________________________
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
_________________________
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, President
_________________________
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Al Gore, Vice President
_________________________
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC.
_______________________
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton, wife of President Bill Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
_______________________
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas
_______________________
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Al Gore, Vice President
________________________
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, President
_________________________
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle, Vice President
_________________________
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
_________________________
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, President
_________________________
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Al Gore, Vice President
_________________________
12.19.2006
Villere Congratulates Blanco for NOT Contacting Sugar Bowl
(Baton Rouge) - Roger Villere Jr., Chairman of the Republican Party of Louisiana, today formally issued a statement of appreciation to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl to secure an invitation for the LSU Tigers.
“On behalf of LSU fans everywhere, I want to extend my thanks to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl,” Villere said. “According to newspaper reports, the Governor contacted the Rose and Orange Bowls to secure an invitation for LSU and we obviously won’t be playing in either of those contests,” Villere said.
“I fear what might have happened had she called someone in New Orleans at the Sugar Bowl Committee,” he said. “A few more calls by Blanco and the Tigers may have been headed out of the BCS entirely,” Villere said.
Villere suggested that the Governor might adopt slightly different priorities, “The Governor should consider spending more time on the LRA instead of trying to help with LSU’s bowl game. She has already botched the Road Home Program, please leave LSU football alone.”
(Baton Rouge) - Roger Villere Jr., Chairman of the Republican Party of Louisiana, today formally issued a statement of appreciation to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl to secure an invitation for the LSU Tigers.
“On behalf of LSU fans everywhere, I want to extend my thanks to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl,” Villere said. “According to newspaper reports, the Governor contacted the Rose and Orange Bowls to secure an invitation for LSU and we obviously won’t be playing in either of those contests,” Villere said.
“I fear what might have happened had she called someone in New Orleans at the Sugar Bowl Committee,” he said. “A few more calls by Blanco and the Tigers may have been headed out of the BCS entirely,” Villere said.
Villere suggested that the Governor might adopt slightly different priorities, “The Governor should consider spending more time on the LRA instead of trying to help with LSU’s bowl game. She has already botched the Road Home Program, please leave LSU football alone.”
GEAUX TIGERS!12.15.2006
DEAR ABBY
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
-----
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman.You don't need him anymore.You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
*Thanks Taylor, Baton Rouge, Louisiana!
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
-----
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman.You don't need him anymore.You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
*Thanks Taylor, Baton Rouge, Louisiana!
11.06.2006
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