Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, There's trouble still...
You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother
But Mama knew and said, My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
Showing posts with label Redneck Central. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Redneck Central. Show all posts
4.13.2007
3.23.2007
1.23.2007
Fw: Redneck Pick Up Lines
I think my friends are sick ... after you get this, you can think the samething . Still - I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!
**Redneck Man's pick up lines**
*1) Did you fart? *
*cuz you blew me away.*
*2) Are yer parents retarded? *
*cuz ya sure are special. *
*3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .*
*I can't hold it in.*
*4) Do you have a library card?*
*cuz I'd like to sign you out.*
*5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?*
*cuz I can see myself in em.*
*6) If you was a tree an I were a Squirrel,*
*I'd store my nuts in yer hole.*
*7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,*
*but beauty's only a light switch away.*
*8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"*
*Woman - "WHAT?"*
*Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."*
*9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,*
*but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.*
*10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? *
*I think he went inta this cheap motel room.*
*11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.*
*12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,*
*we kin sleep til afternoon.*
and.... the best for last!
*13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,*
*every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.*
*Do you use these lines often Stewart? Thanks for the forward!*
*Lexington, Kentucky*
**Redneck Man's pick up lines**
*1) Did you fart? *
*cuz you blew me away.*
*2) Are yer parents retarded? *
*cuz ya sure are special. *
*3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .*
*I can't hold it in.*
*4) Do you have a library card?*
*cuz I'd like to sign you out.*
*5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?*
*cuz I can see myself in em.*
*6) If you was a tree an I were a Squirrel,*
*I'd store my nuts in yer hole.*
*7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,*
*but beauty's only a light switch away.*
*8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"*
*Woman - "WHAT?"*
*Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."*
*9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,*
*but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.*
*10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? *
*I think he went inta this cheap motel room.*
*11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.*
*12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,*
*we kin sleep til afternoon.*
and.... the best for last!
*13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,*
*every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.*
*Do you use these lines often Stewart? Thanks for the forward!*
*Lexington, Kentucky*
12.25.2006
A Southern Christmas Gets Out-Sourced
Subject: Preparation for Christmas
To: All Parentscc: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Re: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be ableto serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and Montana. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us. Such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming toTown." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
To: All Parentscc: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Re: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be ableto serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and Montana. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us. Such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming toTown." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
11.14.2006
"New" Redneck Jokes...
You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. (hey now, that ain't funny!)
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. (hey now, that ain't funny!)
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish...
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