Showing posts with label 9 to 5. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 9 to 5. Show all posts
4.26.2007
3.07.2007
2.10.2007
New Words for 2007
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace!!!
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© 1999-Twentieth Century Fox-All rights reserved -
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
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2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
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3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
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4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
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5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
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6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
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7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to couch potato.
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8. DINK: Dual Income, No Kids.
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9. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
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10: WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
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11. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
11. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
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12. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
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13. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
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14. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
© 1999-Twentieth Century Fox-All rights reserved 15. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------
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16. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundlyinappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
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17. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
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18. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
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19. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
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20. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.
*Thanks for the vocabulary lesson Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*
1.11.2007
Witty Company Signs...
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
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On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We' re #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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In a church parking lot no-parking zone:
"No parking. Violators will be baptised."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
**************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We' re #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
In a church parking lot no-parking zone:
"No parking. Violators will be baptised."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
12.14.2006
Fw: Not My Job Award
"Choose a job you love,
and you will never have to work
a day in your life."
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The official winner of the 'not my job' award:
* Thanks again Ron M., Baltimore, MD!
You get the Super Submitter Award!
12.13.2006
Why I Fired My Secretary
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought...well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
*Thanks to Sean R., Louisiana, for the forward!
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought...well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
*Thanks to Sean R., Louisiana, for the forward!
11.13.2006
LEAVING WORK EARLY
Three ladies all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the ladies decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
9.23.2006
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