FW: Sleeping positions after drinking too much

The Way you Sleep...

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After two Beers:

After three glasses of Wine:

After four Kamikazes:

After a few shared bottles of wine:

After a few Margaritas:

After 2 bottles of Jack Daniels:

And after an evening of two beers, three wines, four kamikazes, margaritas and that bottle of Jack shared with those friends in Mexico...

*Thanks Bronwyn! Frankfort, Kentucky*

Inner Peace via Dr. Phil

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed,

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some M&M's and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel! Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace!

*Thanks Chuck! Good luck with that inner peace! Big Pine Key, Florida*

12 Things NOT to Say to A Cop...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Fwd: Fw: Fw: 20 reasons why you shouldn't get drunk

*Thanks for the funny photos Stewart! Lexington, Kentucky*

Boudreaux's Snake Smarts

SNAKE SMARTS

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outtanight crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs rollback in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

You Gotta Love a Drunk

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy! asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!

Girl's Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a nearby cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and used them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a big wide ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that.

After the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."