A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Lexington, Ky. courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the Highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Kentucky Wildcat Basketball team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Showing posts with label Kentucky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kentucky. Show all posts
5.01.2007
1.31.2007
Lexington, Kentucky Barbies
Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Lexington, Kentucky market:
" Hamburg Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Fairfield Commons Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Richmond Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
" Hamburg Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Fairfield Commons Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Masterson Station Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
" Winchester Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"Chevy Chase Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
"Richmond Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
"Woodhill Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Chevy Chase Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
"Downtown Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Downtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"Nicholasville Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
"East End Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
*Thanks for the forwards Nancy & Carrie! Lexington, Kentucky*
12.17.2006
Kentucky Engineering Test
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee Engineer from any Yankee University to take this exam administered by the University of Kentucky Engineering Department:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a) '65 Ford Fairlane
b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Kentucky house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
*Thanks to Molly, Lexington, KY for the forward!
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a) '65 Ford Fairlane
b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Kentucky house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
*Thanks to Molly, Lexington, KY for the forward!
11.20.2006
Subject: Go Cats! Hell Has Frozen Over!
A guy from Kentucky dies and goes to Hell. He had been a horrible man all his life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it even worse, he cranks up the temperature and humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Kentuckian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says "I don't understand this! I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?"
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Lexington. Hot, humid and a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Kentuckian's remarks. He then decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential winds. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing in his eyes, the Kentuckian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions.
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It's just like April in Kentucky. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more determined than ever to make the Kentuckian suffer. He then makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly, Hell is blanketed in feet of snow and ice. Confident that this will finally make the Kentuckian unhappy, he checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! The guy is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in utter glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Kentuckian throws a snowball at the devil and yells "Hell is frozen over!! This means the Wildcats are going to a Bowl game!!"
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Kentuckian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says "I don't understand this! I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?"
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Lexington. Hot, humid and a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Kentuckian's remarks. He then decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential winds. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing in his eyes, the Kentuckian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions.
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It's just like April in Kentucky. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more determined than ever to make the Kentuckian suffer. He then makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly, Hell is blanketed in feet of snow and ice. Confident that this will finally make the Kentuckian unhappy, he checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! The guy is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in utter glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Kentuckian throws a snowball at the devil and yells "Hell is frozen over!! This means the Wildcats are going to a Bowl game!!"
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