See if you can figure this out. I did it!
http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf
Click on link, and then click on the big blue circle. Use the rules below. This is going to do your head in, but it can be done. Apparently this is an IQ test given to job applicants in Japan:
"Everybody has to cross the river".
The following rules apply:
Only 2 persons on the raft at a time.
The father can not stay with any of the daughters, without their mother's presence.
The mother can not stay with any of the sons, without their father's presence.
The thief (striped shirt) can not stay with any family member, if The Policeman is not there.
Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft.
To start click on the big blue circle on the right.
To move the people click on them.
To move the raft click on the pole on the opposite side of the river.
11.30.2006
11.29.2006
National Girlfriend and Sister's Week
I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have.
To the cool women that have touched my life.
Here's to you!
What would most of us do without our sisters,
confidants and shopping, lunching, and traveling girls?
Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake!
TO MY GIRLFRIENDS!
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems .
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!
If you get this twice you know you have more than one girlfriend. Be Happy! PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS AND RETURN IT TO THE FRIEND WHO SENT IT TO YOU!
11.28.2006
If Women Ruled the World
MAKE ANOTHER WOMAN'S DAY, AND SHARE THE SMILES
Keep her going - PLEASE KEEP HER GOING
This woman is walking the World for Breast Cancer. Please pass her on so that she can reach her destination. Say a prayer for all those who are affected by this terrible disease. She's walking around the world - via e-mail!! Pass it on so she can get there! ( Please hit your forward button, so the woman stays animated.)
Keep her going - PLEASE KEEP HER GOING
This woman is walking the World for Breast Cancer. Please pass her on so that she can reach her destination. Say a prayer for all those who are affected by this terrible disease. She's walking around the world - via e-mail!! Pass it on so she can get there! ( Please hit your forward button, so the woman stays animated.)
11.27.2006
Andy Rooney on Women Over Age 30
This is for all you girls 30 years and over and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!...
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes. Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess our sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes. Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess our sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
11.26.2006
11.25.2006
Subject: Clarification on the Mystery
Middle East Mystery
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
* No Jesus.
* No WalMart.
* No television.
* No cheerleaders.
* No baseball.
* No football.
* No basketball.
* No hockey.
* No golf.
* No tailgate parties.
* No Home Depot.
* No pork BBQ.
* No hot dogs.
* No burgers.
* No lobster.
* No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
* No gumbo.
* No jambalaya.
* More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)
* Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
* Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
* Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
* No chocolate chip cookies.
* No Girl Scout cookies.
* No Christmas.
* You can't shave.
* Your wives can't shave.
* You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
* The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
* Your bride is picked by someone else.
* She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?!?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
* No Jesus.
* No WalMart.
* No television.
* No cheerleaders.
* No baseball.
* No football.
* No basketball.
* No hockey.
* No golf.
* No tailgate parties.
* No Home Depot.
* No pork BBQ.
* No hot dogs.
* No burgers.
* No lobster.
* No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
* No gumbo.
* No jambalaya.
* More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)
* Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
* Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
* Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
* No chocolate chip cookies.
* No Girl Scout cookies.
* No Christmas.
* You can't shave.
* Your wives can't shave.
* You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
* The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
* Your bride is picked by someone else.
* She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?!?
11.24.2006
"After Thanksgiving" Poem
I ate too much Turkey,
I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins
and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate
and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known
when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes
and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert
so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins
and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate
and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known
when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes
and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert
so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
11.23.2006
Talkin' Turkey
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm in Mississippi bonding with the fam, but couldn't help and add the links for these e-cards--they are some of my favorites of all time. So enjoy, be thankful, and have a great holiday!
xoxo, Leigh
Gloria Turkey singing "I Will Survive..." and M.C. Turkey singing "You Can't Stuff This" care of AmericanGreetings.com.
xoxo, Leigh
Gloria Turkey singing "I Will Survive..." and M.C. Turkey singing "You Can't Stuff This" care of AmericanGreetings.com.
11.22.2006
Large Turkey and the Football Players
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
11.21.2006
Boudreaux's Snake Smarts
SNAKE SMARTS
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outtanight crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs rollback in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outtanight crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs rollback in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
11.20.2006
Subject: Go Cats! Hell Has Frozen Over!
A guy from Kentucky dies and goes to Hell. He had been a horrible man all his life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it even worse, he cranks up the temperature and humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Kentuckian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says "I don't understand this! I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?"
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Lexington. Hot, humid and a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Kentuckian's remarks. He then decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential winds. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing in his eyes, the Kentuckian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions.
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It's just like April in Kentucky. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more determined than ever to make the Kentuckian suffer. He then makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly, Hell is blanketed in feet of snow and ice. Confident that this will finally make the Kentuckian unhappy, he checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! The guy is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in utter glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Kentuckian throws a snowball at the devil and yells "Hell is frozen over!! This means the Wildcats are going to a Bowl game!!"
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Kentuckian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says "I don't understand this! I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?"
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Lexington. Hot, humid and a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Kentuckian's remarks. He then decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential winds. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing in his eyes, the Kentuckian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions.
The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It's just like April in Kentucky. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more determined than ever to make the Kentuckian suffer. He then makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly, Hell is blanketed in feet of snow and ice. Confident that this will finally make the Kentuckian unhappy, he checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! The guy is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in utter glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Kentuckian throws a snowball at the devil and yells "Hell is frozen over!! This means the Wildcats are going to a Bowl game!!"
11.19.2006
Fw: Amazing Twins!
A mixed-race British mom gave birth to twins recently - one of each. No, not a boy and a girl. Two girls - one black, the other white. The odds of such a birth are about a million to one, experts said."It was a shock when I realized that my twins were two different colors," Kylie Hodgson, 19, told London's Daily Mail. "But it doesn't matter to us - they are just our two gorgeous little girls."
Hodgson and her partner, Remi Horder, 17, were both born to mixed-race parents. Little Kian and Remee share a love of apples and the Teletubbies, their proud mom says. Fertility experts speculate that a sperm containing all white genes fused with an egg with all-white genes, and a sperm with all-black genes fused with an all-black gene egg to produce the fraternal twins.
AMAZING!
11.18.2006
Subject: Fw: Men Can't Win
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow(0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow(0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
11.17.2006
Scam of the Day
BRITISH INTERNATIONAL PROMO (winnerinfo@charter.net)
Reply-To:
webnotification02@yahoo.co.uk
To:
Subject:
winners
THE UK NATIONAL LOTTERYHOME OFFICE:
165 FULHAM PALACE RD.
W6 8JB UNITED KINGDOM.
REFERENCE NUMBER:UK/839030X2/14
BATCH NUMBER:065/088/XY24
TICKET NUMBER:023-1111-790-458
OUR REF: 27349/46
WINNING NOTIFICATION
We are pleased to inform you of the final Announcement today 13th OF November , 2006 of winners of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY ONLINE PROMO PROGRAMME held on Saturday the 4TH OF November, 2006 You have therefore been approved to claim a total of 3000 000(Three Million pounds sterling) in cash credited to file XYL/26510460037/04. This is from a total cash prize of £27 000 000 shared amongst the first thirteen(7) lucky winners in this category. commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him. please contact our fiduciary agent;agent;Mr Williams SpencerEmail: ukwebnote@yahoo.co.uk Congratulations once more from all members and staffs of this program. Phone:+44- 703 194 7253
Yours Truly,
Richard K. Lloyd
Co-ordinator (Online Promo Programme)
Reply-To:
webnotification02@yahoo.co.uk
To:
Subject:
winners
THE UK NATIONAL LOTTERYHOME OFFICE:
165 FULHAM PALACE RD.
W6 8JB UNITED KINGDOM.
REFERENCE NUMBER:UK/839030X2/14
BATCH NUMBER:065/088/XY24
TICKET NUMBER:023-1111-790-458
OUR REF: 27349/46
WINNING NOTIFICATION
We are pleased to inform you of the final Announcement today 13th OF November , 2006 of winners of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY ONLINE PROMO PROGRAMME held on Saturday the 4TH OF November, 2006 You have therefore been approved to claim a total of 3000 000(Three Million pounds sterling) in cash credited to file XYL/26510460037/04. This is from a total cash prize of £27 000 000 shared amongst the first thirteen(7) lucky winners in this category. commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him. please contact our fiduciary agent;agent;Mr Williams SpencerEmail: ukwebnote@yahoo.co.uk Congratulations once more from all members and staffs of this program. Phone:+44- 703 194 7253
Yours Truly,
Richard K. Lloyd
Co-ordinator (Online Promo Programme)
11.16.2006
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles..."
If you don't send this to five friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!
11.15.2006
Baptist Dog
Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog, and knew that the dog also had to be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible on the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog."HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible on the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog."HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
11.14.2006
"New" Redneck Jokes...
You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. (hey now, that ain't funny!)
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. (hey now, that ain't funny!)
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish...
11.13.2006
LEAVING WORK EARLY
Three ladies all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the ladies decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
11.12.2006
11.11.2006
How to Stay Married
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
__________________________
Women will love this... A Prayer:
Dear Lord: I pray for wisdom to understand my man; to love him, to forgive, and Patience for his moods; because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
Amen!
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
__________________________
Women will love this... A Prayer:
Dear Lord: I pray for wisdom to understand my man; to love him, to forgive, and Patience for his moods; because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
Amen!
11.10.2006
Keep Laughing: The Purina Diet
"I have a Golden Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart and in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that by now practically everyone in line was enthralled by my story, particularly the guy behind the woman asking stupid questions.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door..."
11.09.2006
Would you walk on this?!?
The Glass Bridge Construction of the Skywalk began March of 2004 and is estimated to be completed by 4th quarter of 2006. Glass Bridge will be suspended 4,000 feet above the Colorado River on the very edge of the Grand Canyon. On May 2005, the final test was conducted and the structure passed engineering requirements by 400 percent, enabling it to withstand the weight of 71 fully loaded Boeing 747 airplanes (more that 71 million pounds).
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WOULD YOU WALK ON THIS BRIDGE?
I WOULD SAY IT WOULD BE ONE BIG THRILL,
BUT I THINK I'D BE PRAYING THE WHOLE
TIME... HA.HA.
TIME... HA.HA.
11.08.2006
Subject: The Pharmacy
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
11.07.2006
Deer Hunting Florida Style...
These photos were taken by a KTBS helicopter
flying over Lake George!
(For those of you who are not local,
this Lake George is in Ocala, Florida ).
-
That has to be one HUGE gator...
...to have a whole deer in its mouth!
Are you ready to go water skiing on Lake George? in Florida?
11.06.2006
11.05.2006
9 Crucial Safety Tips for All Women
Crucial
Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you,and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat:DO NOT DRIVE OFF!Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat;
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars;
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
(And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zig-zag pattern!
8. As women,we are always tryingto be sympathetic: STOP .It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man,who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
*******Here it is *******
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOTopen the door."
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.
Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.
Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you,and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat:DO NOT DRIVE OFF!Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat;
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars;
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
(And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zig-zag pattern!
8. As women,we are always tryingto be sympathetic: STOP .It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man,who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
*******Here it is *******
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOTopen the door."
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.
Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.
11.04.2006
Olaf & Sven
Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?" So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?" So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
11.03.2006
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