Fw: Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.

So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language...no joke. Read on...

The Hillbilly Ten Commandments
(Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, Tennessee)

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

*Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?
Y'all have a nice day!

Fw: Scam From Ireland

From: webonline1@bellsouth.net
To: info@irishnationallottery.net
Subject: PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2007 14:00:41 -0500

THE IRISH ONLINE COMPANY
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
DEPT IRISH ONLINE AVENUE
STAMFORD BRIDGE LONDON.
SW1V 3DW UNITED KINGDOM

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded
annual final draws held on the (1ST FEB 2007) by IRISH ONLINE in
conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won £1,000,000.0 each on the THE IRISH ONLINE COMPANY PROMOTION. However the results were released on the 10th FEB 2007 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2006) and ballot number (BT:12052006/20).

The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of 29,031 E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet.However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy. The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world.

This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Boar and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR).This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public. In other to claim your £1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated courier company. However, you will have to fill the form below and send it to the Promotion manager of THE IRISH ONLINE COMPANY for verification and then you will be directed to the courier company where a cheque of £1,000,000.00 has already been deposited in your favour.

NAME:.....................................
AGE:........................................
SEX:........................................
ADDRESS:...............................
EMAIL:....................................
PHONE:...................................
OCCUPATION:.........................
NATIONALITY..........................
COMPANY:..............................
COUNTRY:...............................

Please you are advice to complete the form and send it immediately to our Promotion manager through email or fax for prompt collection of your fund from the designated courier company. Contact Person:

Dr. Williams Spencer
Tel: +44-702-407-8463
Fax:+44-707-515-8123
E MAIL: contact_claimsoffice@yahoo.ie

You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number. (This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained).

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Rose Morrison

Fwd: Are You Kathlick?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church...

...but, only the janitor was there.
-
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
-
"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

"When they got outside, one of them asked,

"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, ... because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, ... because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, ... because they just sprinkle water on you."

-

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!?"

They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians!"

Fw: What "PMS" Really Stands For...

13 Things PMS Stands For:

(1.) Pass My Shotgun

(2.) Psychotic Mood Shift

(3.) Perpetual Munching Spree

(4.) Puffy Mid-Section

(5) People Make me Sick

(6.) Provide Me with Sweets

(7.) Pardon My Sobbing

(8.) Pimples May Surface

(9.) Pass My Sweat pants

(10.) Pissy Mood Syndrome

(11.) Plainly, Men Stink

(12.) Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

(13.) Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends

and those who might need a good laugh!

...Or men who need a warning.

Fw: What Baby Are You? December

Put your birthday month after the title of this e-mail and pass it on! Bet you forward this to everybody in your address book - I did! These are adorable and I'll bet they fit your b-day/personality to a T.

What baby are you?

---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 minutes and you will meet someone new in 8 days that will perfectly balance your personality.

----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. Repost this in 5 minutes and you will talk to someone new and realize that you are a perfect match.

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate, shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will meet your new love in 8 days.

------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive.Positive attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you repost this in 5 minutes, a Cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.

-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp. Thoughts easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. DislikeBeing at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak to much in the next 4 days.

------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. A wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! In the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.

----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties In studying. Loves to be with friends. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 minutes and your reputation will boost some way in the next 12 days.

------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. In need of "that someone." Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain." Caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter. Repost in 5 minutes and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.

------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. if you do not repost this in the next 5 minutes, someone very close to you will become mad at you in the next 8 days.

---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest and sexiest of them all. Repost this in 5 minutes or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.

---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means you're the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music and the arts.

*Thanks for the forward Michelle! Washington, DC*

Fw: Living in 2007...

You know you are living in 2007 when:

1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

*Thanks Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Fw: How to Change Your Name...

This is funny, you should try it...

1. YOUR REAL NAME:
(Fake name used for example...)

Leigh Elizabeth Phillips

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:
(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.)

Lei-izzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:
(fav color and fav animal)

Red Dane

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:
(middle name, and current street)

Elizabeth Dover Court

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)

PhiLe

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME:
(Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink)

Sage Martini

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME:
(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name)

Eiziign

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
(parents middle name)

Anne Taylor Louis

9. YOUR GOTH NAME:
(black, and the name of one of your pets)

Black Zelda

*Thanks for the funny forward Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*
Just call me Lei-izzle!

Subject: CDC ALERT: New Disease

New STD strain appears in New Orleans...

ATLANTA. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans. The disease is contracted through ignorance coupled with dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and pronounced "gonna re-lect em." Many victims have contracted it and keep screwing themselves year after year.

The strain first appeared in early 2006 when Mayor Nagin was returned to the mayor's office. The current strain surfaced again this past fall when William Jefferson won the runoff election. The Center for Disease Control has issued a severe warning this past week that there is danger this strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans may be in the process of mutating and infect the entire State of Louisiana by early fall, just in time for the Governor's election.

Fw: The History of Mardi Gras

Happy Happy Mardi Gras Y'all!

xoxo, Leigh

The celebration of Mardi Gras came to North America from France where it had been celebrated since the Middle Ages. In 1699, French explorer Iberville and his men explored the Mississippi River from the Gulf of Mexico. On a spot 60 miles south of the present location of New Orleans, they set up camp on the river’s West Bank. Knowing that the day, March 3, was being celebrated as a major holiday in Paris, they christened the site Point du Mardi Gras.
-
But Mardi Gras’ roots predate the French. Many see a relationship to the ancient tribal rituals of fertility that welcomed the arrival of Spring. A possible ancestor of the celebration was the Lupercalia, a circus-like orgy held in mid-February in Rome. The early Church fathers, realizing that it was impossible to divorce their new converts from their pagan customs, decided instead to direct them into Christian channels. Thus Carnival was created as a period of merriment that would serve as a prelude to the penitential season of Lent...
-
For more history and information, just click: Arthur Hardy's Mardi Gras Guide--the foremost authority on Mardi Gras!

Fw: Nominated as the Best Short Joke

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet honey. Not yet," she replied.

FW: Fw: New Drugs for Women

D A M N I T O L

-

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

-

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by

-

reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers

-

and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

S T. M O M M A'S W O R T

-

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by

-

rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O

-

Liquid silicone drink for single women.

-

Two full cups swallowed before an evening out

-

increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,

resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling

road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance

to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA

-

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.

-

Increases potency,duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember

your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone

too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband,

provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh,

and any man who can handle it.

Fw: Words Women Use...

Words Women Use:

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: Tis is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A women is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F..... YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Hurricane Lili Up Close and Personal

Water spouts from Hurricane Lili 2002

SCAM: From Linda Ogalie

Dear Respectful,

I have just gotten your contact from my late father Directory Mr Micheal Ogali a Native of Kono District in the Northerh province of Sierra Leone, He was the Controller and Chairman,Association of Sierra Leone Gold Mining co-operation (A.S.L.G.M.C.)Freetown.

I inherited a total of US $4.2 Million, Which my late father deposited in a SECURITY COMPANY .I am the next of Kin as the only daugther but i'm a complete novice and very confused over this .Please could you assist to provide your following details as the Company has instruted because my late father made it notice with the Company that the box will be release to me as the next of kin.

Before the peak of the civil war between the rebels forces of major Paul Koroma and the combined forces of ECOMOG peace keeping operation that almost destroyed my country,following the forceful removal from power of the civilian elected President Ahmed Tejan Kabbah by the rebels. My father had already made arrangement for his family thats talking about my mother and myself to be evacuated to Abidjan the capital Republic of Cote D'Ivoire with the CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT, he made with a security firm in Abidjan through the aid of U.N evacuation team.

I'm now in the Abidjan and could not return to our country since the war has ended. During the war in my country and following the indiscriminate looting of Public and Government properties by the rebel forces,the Sierra Leone mining coop, was one of the target looted and it was destroyed.My father including other top Government functionaries were attaked and killed by the rebels because of his relationship with the civilian government of Ahmed musa Kabbah.

As a result of my father's death and with the news of my uncle' involvement in the air crash in January it dashed our hope of survival The untimely deaths caused my mother's heart failure and other related complications of which she later died in the hospital after alot of money spent on her early this year. But due to the circumatance beyond my father death, my mother advice me to fined a person worthy to help me in this process. However i have choose to shift the box out side Ivory Coast so i can also come over to your country where there is economic and government stability so i can peacefully conclude my education.

My Names are Linda Ogali I'am Age 22 years old . I have every document backing this.

I wait to hear from you .

Thank you Linda Ogali

The History of Valentine's Day

The History of Valentine's Day care of the History Channel

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.

Special thanks to American Greetings.

FW: THEY WALK AMONG US

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it. " For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution. . . They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted. . . ."Look at that dead bird". Someone looked up at the sky and said. . . "Where?" They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real-estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. " He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we over- heard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder. They walk among us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . .They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . . They Walk AmongUs!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nosering attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us, too!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!

*Thanks for the funny forward Vickie! North Middletown, Kentucky*

FW: Insights from Secret Service

AS THEY SAY IN SPAIN, YOU CAN HAVE NO SECRETS FROM THE SERVANTS! YOU WILL FIND THE SECRET SERVICE VIEWS ON THE PERSONALITIES OF PAST PRESIDENTS TO BE QUITE INTERESTING.

For those who don't know... Capt. Denny Keast flies for UAL and flew many SAM's (Special Air Mission's) for the White House Secret Service.

I flew 4 Presidential support missions in the C-141 out of Dover AFB, DE Two for President Johnson and two for President Nixon.

Johnson was a first class jerk and on the two occasions I flew for him, if the Secret Service and their Liaison in the Pentagon hadn't intervened, we would have had to stay on the airplane for hours while he (Johnson) was off somewhere. Nixon never required that, and the four (4) stops we made with him he was cordial to the Secret Service and to me and my crew.

We had a neighbor when I lived in DC who was part of the secret service presidential detail for many years. His stories of Kennedy and Johnson were the same as those I heard from the guys who flew the presidents' plane.

Yes, Kennedy did have Marilyn Monroe flown in for secret "dates," and LBJ was a typical Texas "good ole boy" womanizer. Nixon, Bush 41, and Carter never cheated on their wives. Clinton cheated, but couldn't match Kennedy or LBJ in style or variety.

The information below is accurate: The elder Bush and current president Bush make it a point to thank and take care of the air crews who fly them around.

When the president flies, there are several planes that also go, one carries the armored limo, another the security detail, plus usually a press aircraft.

Both Bush's made it a point to stay home on holidays, so the Air Force and security people could have a day with their families.

WHAT WAS:

Hillary Clinton was arrogant and orally abusive to her security detail.

She forbade her daughter, Chelsea, from exchanging pleasantries with them. Sometimes Chelsea, miffed at her mother's obvious conceit and mean spiritedness ignored her demands and exchanged pleasantries regardless, but never in her mother's presence.

Chelsea really was a nice, kindhearted, and lovely young lady. The consensus opinion was that Chelsea loved her Mom but did not like her. Hillary Clinton was continuously rude and abrasive to those who were charged to protect her life. Her security detail dutifully did their job, as professionals should, but they all loathed her and wanted to be on a different detail.

Hillary Clinton was despised by the Secret Service as a whole. Former President Bill Clinton was much more amiable than his wife. Often the Secret Service would cringe at the verbal attacks Hillary would use against her husband. They were embarrassed for his sake by the manner and frequency in which she verbally insulted him, sometimes in the presence of the Secret Service, and sometimes behind closed doors. Even behind closed doors Hillary Clinton would scream and holler so loudly that everyone could hear what she was saying.
Many felt sorry for President Clinton and most wondered why he tolerated it instead of just divorcing his "attack dog" wife. It was crystal clear that the Clinton 's neither liked nor respected each other and this was true long before the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Theirs was genuinely a "marriage of convenience."

Chelsea was much closer to her father than her mother, even after the Lewinsky scandal, which hurt her gravely. Bill Clinton did in fact have charisma, and occasionally would smile at or shake hands with his security detail. Still, he always displayed an obvious air of superiority towards them.

His security detail uniformly believed him to be disingenuous, false, and that he did nothing without a motive that in some way would enhance his image and political career. He was polite, but not kind. They did not particularly like him and nobody trusted him.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN:

Al Gore was the male version of Hillary Clinton. They were more friendly toward each other than either of them were towards former President Clinton.

They were not intimate, so please don't read that in. They were very close in a political way. Tipper Gore was generally nice and pleasant. She initially liked Hillary but soon after the election she had her "pegged" and no longer liked her or associated with her except for events that were politically obligatory.

Al Gore was far more left wing than Bill Clinton. Al Gore resented Bill Clinton and thought he was too "centrist." He despised all Republicans. His hatred was bitter and this was long before he announced for the Presidency. This hatred was something that he and Hillary had in common. They often said as much, even in the presence of their security detail. Neither of them trusted Bill Clinton and, the Secret Service opined, neither of them even liked Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton did have some good qualities, whereas Al Gore and Hillary had none, in the view of their security details.

Al Gore, like Hillary, was very rude and arrogant toward his security detail. He was extremely unappreciative and would not hesitate to scold them in the presence of their peers for minor details over which they had no control. Al Gore also looked down on them, as they finally observed and learned with certainty on one occasion. Al got angry at his offspring and pointed at his security detail and said, "Do you want to grow up and be like them?"

Word of this insult by the former Vice-President quickly spread and he became disliked by the Secret Service as Hillary. Most of them prayed Al Gore would not be elected President, and they really did have private celebrations in a few of their homes after President Bush won. This was not necessarily to celebrate President Bush's election, but to celebrate Al Gore's defeat.

WHAT IS:

Everyone in the Secret Service wants to be on First Lady Laura Bush's detail. Without exception, they concede that she is perhaps the nicest and most kind person they have ever had the privilege of serving. Where Hillary patently refused to allow her picture to be taken with her security detail, Laura Bush doesn't even have to be asked, she offers.

She doesn't just shake their hand and say, "Thank you." Very often, she will give members of her detail a kindhearted hug to express her appreciation. There is nothing false about her. This is her genuine nature. Her security detail considers her to be a "breath of fresh air." They joke that comparing Laura Bush with Hillary Clinton is like comparing "Mother Teresa" with the "Wicked Witch of the North."

Likewise, the Secret Service considers President Bush to be a gem of a man to work for. He always treats them with genuine respect and he always trusts and listens to their expert advice. They really like the Crawford, Texas detail. Every time the president goes to Crawford he has a Bar-B-Q for his security detail and he helps serve their meals. He sits with them, eats with them, and talks with them. He knows each of them by their first name, and calls them by their first name as a show of affection. He always asks about their family, the names of which he always remembers. They believe that he is deeply and genuinely appreciative of their service.

They could not like, love, or respect anyone more than President Bush. Most of them did not know they would feel this way, until they had an opportunity to work for him and learn that his manner was genuine and consistent. It has never changed since he began his Presidency. He always treats them with the utmost respect, kindness, and compassion.

Please pass this on. It is important for Americans to have a true inside understanding of their President.

*Thanks for the insightful forward Taylor! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*

Fwd: Fw: Prom Day in "The Hood"

Just when you think you've seen it all ...

Prom Day in "The Hood" !!

WTF are they walking on? Red Saran Wrap?

"Hookers on Ice" makes an appearance at the prom...

Nothing like having a dress made to showcase your bikini.

Let's hope that she's wearing panties.

Do you know how much luggage had to die to make these outfits? I especially like that even the tennis shoes match...

Oh how I wish I wore a garter to my prom!

It would be too cruel to comment...okay, okay. I give.

Fat hookers on parade...

What exactly is holding up the dress on the left?

The Blazers couple did this look better.

Oh no she didn't! Oh yes she did!

Most people get knocked up after the prom...not 8 months before!

Did the girl on the left rip her dress or intentionally cut it to showcase her cellulite?

Hookers on Ice Part II

The token white guy.

MY EYES! OH GAWD MY EYES! THEY'RE BURNING!

Wow. A helicopter made out of hair...

Creative? Yes. Unusual? Yes. Unbelievably tacky? Hell yes.

I'm not even going to go there...

-

*Thanks for the funny photos Anne! Paris, Kentucky*

New Words for 2007

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace!!!

-

© 1999-Twentieth Century Fox-All rights reserved

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1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

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2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

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3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

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4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

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5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

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6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

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7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to couch potato.

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8. DINK: Dual Income, No Kids.

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9. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

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10: WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

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11. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

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12. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

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13. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

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14. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

© 1999-Twentieth Century Fox-All rights reserved

15. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------
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16. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundlyinappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
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17. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
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18. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
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19. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
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20. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

*Thanks for the vocabulary lesson Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*

Sniffer the Drug Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent And that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seatnumber and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place... (click photo of book to review or purchase via Amazon.com)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty .
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
_________________________________

And the best for last...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

*I know this is similar to a previous post on 10.06.2006, but this one gives credit where credit is due! Enjoy! xo, L*

Subject: FYI: Louisiana

Just in case Hurricane Katrina causing the levees to break in New Orleans is the only thing you know about Louisiana, read the following to learn a few more facts:

The Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans is the largest enclosed stadium in the world.

The Lake Pontchartrain Causeway is the longest over-water bridge in the world at 23.87 miles.

Baton Rouge was the site of the only American Revolution battle outside the 13 colonies.

The formal transfer of the Louisiana Purchase was made at the Cabildo in New Orleans on December 20, 1803.

Louisiana's 6.5 million acres of wetlands are the greatest in the nation.

The oldest City in the Louisiana Purchase Territory is Natchitoches, founded in 1714.

The first bottler of Coca-Cola, Joseph Biedenharn, lived in Monroe, La.

Delta Airlines got its start in Monroe.

Louisiana is the No. 1 producer of crawfish, alligators and shallots in the nation.

Louisiana produces 24 percent of the nation's salt, the most in the country.

Much of the world's food and oil passes through the Port of Orleans.

Louisiana has the tallest state Capitol in the nation at 450 feet.

The staircase at Chretien Point, in Sunset, was copied after Tara in "Gone With the Wind".

Tabasco holds the second oldest food trademark in the U.S. Patent Office.

Steen's Syrup Mill is the world's largest syrup plant, producing sugar cane syrup.

America's oldest rice mill is the KONRIKO Co. in New Iberia.

The International Joke Telling Contest is held annually in Opelousas.

The Louisiana Hayri de radio show helped Hank Williams, Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash achieve stardom. It was broadcast from KWKH Radio in Shreveport from 1948.

So there!! Now you know the rest of the story!!!!

*Thanks for reminding me of home Taylor! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*

Fw: The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a Bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last Year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They Will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

5%

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said,"Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either.

*Thanks Vickie! North Middletown, Kentucky*

Intelligence Test

Intelligence Test

What: Exercise your brain waves by attempting to decipher combos of letters and numbers.

Why: Show off your street smarts.

Where: Online at intelligence-test.net.

Subject: IQ is 50

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100."

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....

Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, "Uh...bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e ...y-o-u-r ... p-e-o-p-l-e ... g-o-i-n-g ... t-o ...n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e ... H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?

*Thanks for the joke Richard! Oxford, Mississippi*

Fw: Brain Teasers and Illusions

Testing, testing, 1-2-3 testing...
Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.

More than likely you said, "A bird in the bush," and........
if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see
that the word THE is repeated twice!
Sorry, look again.

Next, let's play with some words.
What do you see?

In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL (inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too, because it visualize the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the absence of good is evil ).


Now, what do you see?

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?

What do you see here?

This one is quite tricky!
The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.


NOW
What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in brown, but.......
when you look through ME
you will see
YOU!

Do you need to look again?

---------------------------------------

Test Your Brain
This is really cool. The second one is amazing so please read all the way though.

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every " F " in the following text:

-

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)

-

HOW MANY ?

-
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

-

The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes!

-------------------------------------------------

More Brain Stuff . From CambridgeUniversity .

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!!

Psas Ti ON !

*Thanks for the brain teasers Ann! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*