A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way" said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
*Thanks for the funny Nancy! Lexington, Kentucky*
3.31.2007
3.30.2007
Fw: Two Choices...
Life decisions that people have to make are never simple. The importance of the initial decision should always be examined over the long run. Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way. Consider the following two choices...
-
Should I get a Dog ....
-
Or have children?-
*Tough decision! Thanks Jeaneen! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*
*Tough decision! Thanks Jeaneen! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*3.29.2007
Fw: The Coppertone Girl
Remember that cute little Coppertone girl with her dog pulling on her blue bathing suit bottoms during the late 50's and throughout the 60's?
Well, she's all grown up now and is living in
Venice, Florida, near Venice Beach.
Venice, Florida, near Venice Beach.
*Scary! Thanks Jeanelle! Frankfort, Kentucky*3.28.2007
Fw: On the Lighter Side
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doctor, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home." "That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" says the man. The doctor replies "It's not unusual".
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly. "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
12. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No. The steaks are too high".
15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
16. I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.
17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
18. A man walk into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor. "It's...um...well....I have five penises" replies the man. "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
19. A three legged dog walks into the Longbranch Saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
20. A duck walks ito a drugstore and tell the pharmacist, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
*Thanks Denise! Atlanta, Georgia*
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doctor, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home." "That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" says the man. The doctor replies "It's not unusual".
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly. "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
12. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No. The steaks are too high".
15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
16. I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.
17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
18. A man walk into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor. "It's...um...well....I have five penises" replies the man. "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
19. A three legged dog walks into the Longbranch Saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
20. A duck walks ito a drugstore and tell the pharmacist, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
*Thanks Denise! Atlanta, Georgia*
3.27.2007
Fwd: FW: Cockpit Conversations/More reasons to fly private from Jetworks Flight Services
Subject: Cockpit Conversations
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
==========
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==========
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
==========
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."
==========
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
==========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind aB-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
==========
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was theproblem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained theflight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
==========
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
==========
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with aUnited 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
*Thanks Lars! Birmingham, Alabama*
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
==========
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==========
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
==========
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."
==========
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
==========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind aB-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
==========
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was theproblem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained theflight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
==========
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
==========
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
==========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."
==========
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with aUnited 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Aircrew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
*Thanks Lars! Birmingham, Alabama*
3.26.2007
Fw: Chocolate City New Orleans High School Math Proficiency Exam...
CHOCOLATE CITY NEW ORLEANS HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
Crib _________________
WHO YO DADDY BE? _________________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Tyrone gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Leroy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law bitch spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed on the school wall with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Toby knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Toby knocked up?
9. LaShanda is a lookout for the gang. LaShanda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShanda makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked in the back?
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
Crib _________________
WHO YO DADDY BE? _________________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Tyrone gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Leroy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law bitch spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed on the school wall with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Toby knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Toby knocked up?
9. LaShanda is a lookout for the gang. LaShanda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShanda makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked in the back?
3.25.2007
FW: Sleeping positions after drinking too much
The Way you Sleep...
-
After two Beers:
After three glasses of Wine: 
After four Kamikazes:
After a few shared bottles of wine:
After a few Margaritas:
After 2 bottles of Jack Daniels:
And after an evening of two beers, three wines, four kamikazes, margaritas and that bottle of Jack shared with those friends in Mexico... 
*Thanks Bronwyn! Frankfort, Kentucky*
3.23.2007
3.22.2007
Fw: The Cat
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One...You don't even have to like them to appreciate this one!
"We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked-I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car...."
*Thanks Anne! Lexington, Kentucky*
"We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked-I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car...."
*Thanks Anne! Lexington, Kentucky*
3.21.2007
Fw: Computer Call Center Help
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have Passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass It you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the Words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call Center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
*Thanks Catherine! Jackson, Mississippi*
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have Passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass It you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the Words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call Center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
*Thanks Catherine! Jackson, Mississippi*
3.20.2007
Subject: I think you're the father of one of my kids
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
*Thanks Molly! Lexington, Kentucky*
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
*Thanks Molly! Lexington, Kentucky*
3.19.2007
Fw: Women's Lies
Women's Lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
*Thanks Larry! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
*Thanks Larry! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*
3.18.2007
3.17.2007
Fw: IT Support Communication
'Dear IT Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate ------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, IT Support ------------------
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate ------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, IT Support ------------------
3.16.2007
Fw: Children & the Church
This is good I had fun laughing hope you do too
CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
-----
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
-----
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
-----
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
-----
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
-----
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car...
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
-----
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
-----
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly--do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
-----
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
-----
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Peace & Love
*Thank you Vickie! North Middletown, Kentucky*
CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
-----
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
-----
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
-----
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
-----
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
-----
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car...
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
-----
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
-----
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly--do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
-----
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
-----
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Peace & Love
*Thank you Vickie! North Middletown, Kentucky*
3.15.2007
Fw: Blondes Know Easter
Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind avery large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted.
*Thanks Jeanelle! Frankfort, Kentucky*
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind avery large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted.
*Thanks Jeanelle! Frankfort, Kentucky*
3.14.2007
Fw: Who's a Fruit? I'm a Papaya
Who's a fruit? Don't spoil it...just do it. Pick a fruit and forward it on (don't forget to send it back to the person that sent it to you) with the fruit you chose on the Subject line.
Which fruit will you pick if you were offered one of these?
1. Orange
2. Apple
3. Banana
4. Coconut
5. Pineapple
6. Papaya
7. Mango
8. Cherry
9. Black Grapes
10. Peach
11. Custard Apple
12. Pear
What is your pick???Pick before you scroll down... do not CHEAT!!!) YOU BETTER NOT BE CHEATING AND KEEP SCROLLING!!!
ORANGE - If orange is your favorite fruit, it speaks of a person who has enduring patience & will power. You like to do things slowly, but very thoroughly & are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy, but are reliable & trustworthy friend. You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care & you love with all your heart, & not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs.
APPLE - If apple is your favorite fruit, you are an extravagant, impulsive & outspoken person, often with a bit of a temper. While you may not be the best organizer yourself, you make a good team leader & are good at taking things forward. You can take quick action in most situations. You enjoy travel immensely. You ooze with charm when you are with your partner. You have an enthusiasm for life, unmatched by most.
BANANA -You are a softy! Loving, gentle, warm and sympathetic by nature is the banana lover. You often lack in self-confidence & are quite timid by nature. People often take advantage of your sweet temperedness, & sheer vulnerability to a situation. You adore your partner in every which way, both for their mental & physical beauty! Because of the way you are, your relationship is always very much in harmony!
COCONUT - The coconut lover is a serious, very thoughtful & contemplative person. Though you enjoy socializing, you are particular about the company you keep. You tend to be stubborn but not necessarily foolhardy. Shrewd, quick-witted& alert, you ensure that you are right on top of any given scenario, especially at work. You need a partner with brains, & while passion is important it certainly isn't everything for you.
PINEAPPLE - You are quick to decide & even quicker to act. You are brave in asking career changes, if that is what is to your advantage. You have exceptional organizing abilities & are undaunted by the size of the task at hand. You tend to be self reliant, sincere & honest in your dealings with others. Though you are not given to making friends very quickly, but once you do, it is for life. Your partner is often impressed with your sterling qualities but disappointed in your ability to show affection.
PAPAYA - You are truly fearless & take much that happens in life in your stride. You give considerable thought to things you do. You have a sense of humor that, along with your generous nature, keeps you in most people's good books. You are a go-getter in your professional life, have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. You enjoy meeting new people & seeing new sights whenever you can. Your sense of humor is what attracts members of the opposite sex to you more than anything else. It is simply charming!
MANGO - A mango lover is a personality to beckoned with; quite often, you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, & influencing you is not an easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes & dislikes, & at times even like to control a situation. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge. Strong as you may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, & make up for all the strong will elsewhere!
CHERRY - If cherry is your favorite fruit, life isn't always as sweet for you. You often face ups & downs, particularly professionally, & find that you make small sums of $$$, instead of a lump sum. You have a fertile imagination & are often involved in creative pursuits. You are a very sincere & loyal partner, but find that expressing your feelings is not very easy. Your home is your haven, & you love nothing more than being surrounded by close family & your beloved partner.
BLACK GRAPES - You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cool down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life; you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal & zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!
PEACH - Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life & all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, & are quite frank & outspoken, which adds to your charm.You are quick to forgive & forget; & value your friendships highly. Youhave an independent & ambitious streak in you that make you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery & passionate but sincere & faithful in love. You don't, however, like to display all that passion in public.
CUSTARD APPLE - You are a modest & conservative person who can be quite sensitive at times. You tend to be thoughtful & contemplative, & therefore are rarely rash in doing things. You are quite ambitious & are good at anything that requires much detailing or working with numbers. You are quick at finding fault with others. While looking for a partner, you value a person's intellect far above their looks or good old passion. You are quite shy & not very comfortable demonstrating affection.
PEAR - If you put your mind to something you can do it successfully, but by & large you tend to be fickle & have trouble completing a task with the enthusiasm you started it with. You need to know the results of your efforts almost immediately. You enjoy mental stimulation & love to get into a good discussion! You tend to be a restless & high-strung person, & are easily excited. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect! It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!
WHEN YOU FORWARD THIS TO YOUR EMAIL BUDDIES, PUT WHAT YOU PICKED FOR THE SUBJECT SO THEY CAN READ YOURS.
*Thanks Joanna! Albuquerque, New Mexico*
Which fruit will you pick if you were offered one of these?
1. Orange
2. Apple
3. Banana
4. Coconut
5. Pineapple
6. Papaya
7. Mango
8. Cherry
9. Black Grapes
10. Peach
11. Custard Apple
12. Pear
What is your pick???Pick before you scroll down... do not CHEAT!!!) YOU BETTER NOT BE CHEATING AND KEEP SCROLLING!!!
ORANGE - If orange is your favorite fruit, it speaks of a person who has enduring patience & will power. You like to do things slowly, but very thoroughly & are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy, but are reliable & trustworthy friend. You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care & you love with all your heart, & not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs.
APPLE - If apple is your favorite fruit, you are an extravagant, impulsive & outspoken person, often with a bit of a temper. While you may not be the best organizer yourself, you make a good team leader & are good at taking things forward. You can take quick action in most situations. You enjoy travel immensely. You ooze with charm when you are with your partner. You have an enthusiasm for life, unmatched by most.
BANANA -You are a softy! Loving, gentle, warm and sympathetic by nature is the banana lover. You often lack in self-confidence & are quite timid by nature. People often take advantage of your sweet temperedness, & sheer vulnerability to a situation. You adore your partner in every which way, both for their mental & physical beauty! Because of the way you are, your relationship is always very much in harmony!
COCONUT - The coconut lover is a serious, very thoughtful & contemplative person. Though you enjoy socializing, you are particular about the company you keep. You tend to be stubborn but not necessarily foolhardy. Shrewd, quick-witted& alert, you ensure that you are right on top of any given scenario, especially at work. You need a partner with brains, & while passion is important it certainly isn't everything for you.
PINEAPPLE - You are quick to decide & even quicker to act. You are brave in asking career changes, if that is what is to your advantage. You have exceptional organizing abilities & are undaunted by the size of the task at hand. You tend to be self reliant, sincere & honest in your dealings with others. Though you are not given to making friends very quickly, but once you do, it is for life. Your partner is often impressed with your sterling qualities but disappointed in your ability to show affection.
PAPAYA - You are truly fearless & take much that happens in life in your stride. You give considerable thought to things you do. You have a sense of humor that, along with your generous nature, keeps you in most people's good books. You are a go-getter in your professional life, have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. You enjoy meeting new people & seeing new sights whenever you can. Your sense of humor is what attracts members of the opposite sex to you more than anything else. It is simply charming!
MANGO - A mango lover is a personality to beckoned with; quite often, you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, & influencing you is not an easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes & dislikes, & at times even like to control a situation. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge. Strong as you may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, & make up for all the strong will elsewhere!
CHERRY - If cherry is your favorite fruit, life isn't always as sweet for you. You often face ups & downs, particularly professionally, & find that you make small sums of $$$, instead of a lump sum. You have a fertile imagination & are often involved in creative pursuits. You are a very sincere & loyal partner, but find that expressing your feelings is not very easy. Your home is your haven, & you love nothing more than being surrounded by close family & your beloved partner.
BLACK GRAPES - You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cool down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life; you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal & zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!
PEACH - Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life & all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, & are quite frank & outspoken, which adds to your charm.You are quick to forgive & forget; & value your friendships highly. Youhave an independent & ambitious streak in you that make you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery & passionate but sincere & faithful in love. You don't, however, like to display all that passion in public.
CUSTARD APPLE - You are a modest & conservative person who can be quite sensitive at times. You tend to be thoughtful & contemplative, & therefore are rarely rash in doing things. You are quite ambitious & are good at anything that requires much detailing or working with numbers. You are quick at finding fault with others. While looking for a partner, you value a person's intellect far above their looks or good old passion. You are quite shy & not very comfortable demonstrating affection.
PEAR - If you put your mind to something you can do it successfully, but by & large you tend to be fickle & have trouble completing a task with the enthusiasm you started it with. You need to know the results of your efforts almost immediately. You enjoy mental stimulation & love to get into a good discussion! You tend to be a restless & high-strung person, & are easily excited. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect! It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections!
WHEN YOU FORWARD THIS TO YOUR EMAIL BUDDIES, PUT WHAT YOU PICKED FOR THE SUBJECT SO THEY CAN READ YOURS.
*Thanks Joanna! Albuquerque, New Mexico*
3.13.2007
Fwd: Fw: Happy IVGLDSWD Day
Happy IVGLDSW Day!
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day !
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. (Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I t hink of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson -
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!
Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!
3.12.2007
Fw: Bizarre history of the Railroad Gauge
The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the manner of wheel spacing.
The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses.
Thus we have the answer to the original question.
Now for the twist in the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' rumps.
So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!
Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the manner of wheel spacing.
The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses.
Thus we have the answer to the original question.
Now for the twist in the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' rumps.
So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass!
3.11.2007
Fw: Friends are like Balloons...
Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you can't get them back. So I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
Send this heart to everybody you like. You may also return it to me. 
Send this to all your friends including me and see how many you get back. 
If four hearts are returned to you, something you have been waiting for a long time will happen!!!! 
Believe me...... It really happens! Send a lot of little hearts to your friends!!!*Thanks Faith! Kentucky*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
