10.31.2006
10.30.2006
Puking Pumpkin, aka "My College Experience"
Happy All Hallows Eve y'all. Hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween & you don't resemble the poor pumpkin above. He's now in rehab and doing much better, but the intervention was rough. He'll be back in the pumpkin patch soon and has sworn to stay away from the likes of Tara Reid or Kate Moss...
10.29.2006
Hearsay CLE by the Lego Land Gang
CLEs can be educational and fun.
Cut and paste the web site into your browser.
http://media.putfile.com/hearsay
Cut and paste the web site into your browser.
http://media.putfile.com/hearsay
10.28.2006
10 Things That Sound Dirty on Halloween, But Aren't...
1.) So...what'd you get in the sack?-
2.) Once you get under the sheet,
start moaning and groaning!
-
3.) Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
-
4.) Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
-
5.) I got the best piece from that house.
-
6.) Quit screwing around on the porch!
-
7.) Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.
-
8.) It was so filled and heavy,
I had to use two hands.
-
9.) They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
-
10.) I bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.
10.27.2006
Older People's Sense of Humor!
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
--------------------------------
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always haveto show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
--------------------------------------------
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breath takingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
--------------------------------------------
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
--------------------------------
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always haveto show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
--------------------------------------------
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breath takingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
--------------------------------------------
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
10.24.2006
10.23.2006
For Smart Women Who Need a Laugh!
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
-----------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
-------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.
------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she." (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
--------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
------------------------------------------
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
---------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
-------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
---------------------------------------------
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TOMEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
-----------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
-------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.
------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she." (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
--------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
------------------------------------------
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
---------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
-------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
---------------------------------------------
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TOMEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !
10.22.2006
Ole' Spot's Last Meal
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like many women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she calmed down a bit, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get
there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like many women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she calmed down a bit, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get
there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
10.21.2006
You Gotta Love a Drunk
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy! asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy! asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!
10.20.2006
Funnies for Women
Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day !!!
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day !!!
10.19.2006
"Christians" by Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
-
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
-
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
-
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
-
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
-
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
-
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
-
-
Share this with somebody who already has this
understanding, as reinforcement.
But more importantly, share this with
those who do not have a clear understanding of what it
means to be a Christian, so that the myth that Christians
think they are "perfect" or "better than others" can be dispelled.
10.18.2006
Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend Was Hot Like Me?
This should hold you until I return from my trip on the 18th. Hope y'all are having a great week...and are not wearing shorts like the guy in the above photo...
10.17.2006
Girl's Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a nearby cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and used them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a big wide ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that.
After the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a nearby cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and used them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a big wide ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that.
After the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
10.16.2006
10.15.2006
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