1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
12.31.2006
12.30.2006
Fwd: Fw: Fw: 20 reasons why you shouldn't get drunk
*Thanks for the funny photos Stewart! Lexington, Kentucky*
12.29.2006
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS:
What's for dinner?
SAFER:
Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:
Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
Are you wearing that?
SAFER:
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST:
WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:
Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:
Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
Should you be eating that?
SAFER:
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
What did you DO all day?
SAFER:
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST:
I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some more chocolate.
*Thanks for the e-mail Larry! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*
DANGEROUS:
What's for dinner?
SAFER:
Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:
Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
Are you wearing that?
SAFER:
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST:
WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:
Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:
Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
Should you be eating that?
SAFER:
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
What did you DO all day?
SAFER:
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST:
I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some more chocolate.
*Thanks for the e-mail Larry! Baton Rouge, Louisiana*
12.28.2006
Interesting Subway Ad...
Read the fine print...*Thanks for the forward Richard! Oxford, Mississippi*
12.27.2006
How Cold Is It?
An annotated thermometer...
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 - COLLEGE STUDENTS STILL WEAR SHORTS; Californians shiver uncontrollably; Wisconsinites go swimming.
35 - Italian cars don't start.
32 - Water freezes.
30 - You can see your breath; You plan your vacation to Australia; Wisconsinites put on T-shirts; Politicians begin to worry about the homeless.
25 - Boston water freezes; Californians weep pitiably; Wisconsinites eat ice cream; Canadians go swimming; Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
20 - You can hear your breath; Politicians begin to talk about the homeless; New York City water freezes; Miami residents plan vacation further South.
15 - You plan a vacation in Mexico; Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 - Too cold to snow; You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 - You plan your vacation in Houston.
0 - American cars don't start; Alaskans put on T-shirts; Too cold to skate.
-5 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo; Wisconsinites' stick tongue on metal objects; Miami residents cease to exist.
-10 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you; Politicians actually do something about the homeless; Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof.
-15 - Too cold to think; You need jumper cables to get the driver going; Only ice chunks hit the bottom of the outhouse.
-20 - You plan a two week hot bath; The Mighty Monongahela freezes; Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Californians disappear; Wisconsinites button top button; Canadians put on sweaters; Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-30 - Congressional hot air freezes.
-50 - Hell freezes over; Polar bears move south.
-65 -All major universities are still open and requiring students to attend class! Remember the good old elementary school Days???
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 - COLLEGE STUDENTS STILL WEAR SHORTS; Californians shiver uncontrollably; Wisconsinites go swimming.
35 - Italian cars don't start.
32 - Water freezes.
30 - You can see your breath; You plan your vacation to Australia; Wisconsinites put on T-shirts; Politicians begin to worry about the homeless.
25 - Boston water freezes; Californians weep pitiably; Wisconsinites eat ice cream; Canadians go swimming; Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
20 - You can hear your breath; Politicians begin to talk about the homeless; New York City water freezes; Miami residents plan vacation further South.
15 - You plan a vacation in Mexico; Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 - Too cold to snow; You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 - You plan your vacation in Houston.
0 - American cars don't start; Alaskans put on T-shirts; Too cold to skate.
-5 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo; Wisconsinites' stick tongue on metal objects; Miami residents cease to exist.
-10 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you; Politicians actually do something about the homeless; Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof.
-15 - Too cold to think; You need jumper cables to get the driver going; Only ice chunks hit the bottom of the outhouse.
-20 - You plan a two week hot bath; The Mighty Monongahela freezes; Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Californians disappear; Wisconsinites button top button; Canadians put on sweaters; Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-30 - Congressional hot air freezes.
-50 - Hell freezes over; Polar bears move south.
-65 -All major universities are still open and requiring students to attend class! Remember the good old elementary school Days???
12.26.2006
The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program
EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ....NEVER-NEVER!!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 17 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA.
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out.
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ....NEVER-NEVER!!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 17 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA.
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out.
12.25.2006
A Southern Christmas Gets Out-Sourced
Subject: Preparation for Christmas
To: All Parentscc: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Re: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be ableto serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and Montana. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us. Such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming toTown." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
To: All Parentscc: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Re: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be ableto serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and Montana. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us. Such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and theBandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming toTown." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
12.24.2006
*Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar*
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down anduse as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows XP.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down anduse as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows XP.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
12.23.2006
Twas' the Soldier's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas,
He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of
Plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just who
In this home did live.
I looked all about,
A strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle,
Just boots filled with sand,
And on the wall pictures
Of far distant lands.
With medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds,
A sobering thought
Came to my mind.
For this house was different,
So dark and so dreary,
The home of a soldier,
Now I could see clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping,
Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor
In this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,
The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was this the hero
Of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a pancho,
The floor for a bed?
I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers
Who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world,
The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate
A bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom
Each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers,
Like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder
How many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve
In a land far from home.
The very thought
Brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees
And started to cry.
The soldier awakened
And I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry,
This life is my choice;
I fight for freedom,
I don't ask for more,
My life is my God,
My country, my corps."
The soldier rolled over
And soon drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it,
I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours,
So silent and still,
And we both shivered
From the cold evening's chill.
I didn't want to leave
On that cold, dark night,
This guardian of honor
So willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over,
With a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa,
It's Christmas Day, all is secure."
One look at my watch,
And I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend,
And to all a good night."
*Thank you for the touching forward Bob, Frankfort, Kentucky*
He lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of
Plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just who
In this home did live.
I looked all about,
A strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle,
Just boots filled with sand,
And on the wall pictures
Of far distant lands.
With medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds,
A sobering thought
Came to my mind.
For this house was different,
So dark and so dreary,
The home of a soldier,
Now I could see clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping,
Silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor
In this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle,
The room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was this the hero
Of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a pancho,
The floor for a bed?
I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers
Who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world,
The children would play,
And grownups would celebrate
A bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom
Each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers,
Like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder
How many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve
In a land far from home.
The very thought
Brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees
And started to cry.
The soldier awakened
And I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry,
This life is my choice;
I fight for freedom,
I don't ask for more,
My life is my God,
My country, my corps."
The soldier rolled over
And soon drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it,
I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours,
So silent and still,
And we both shivered
From the cold evening's chill.
I didn't want to leave
On that cold, dark night,
This guardian of honor
So willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over,
With a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa,
It's Christmas Day, all is secure."
One look at my watch,
And I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend,
And to all a good night."
*Thank you for the touching forward Bob, Frankfort, Kentucky*
12.22.2006
Christmas Just Wasn't the Same...
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass. . . .
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass. . . .
12.21.2006
Twas' the Lawyer's Night Before Christmas
**WHEREAS**, on or about the night immediately preceding Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said house, in a diligent and workmanlike manner, in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St.Nicholas d/b/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive forthwith.
The minor residents, i.e., children, of the aforementioned House were situated on or about their individual beds and were engaged in hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugarplums, did dance, cavort, frolic, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon I (hereinafter "the party of the first part"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with Mamma (hereinafter "the party of the second part"), and the party of the second part had retired for a sustained period of sleep and/or rest. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of sleepwear and head gear, e.g., kerchief and/or cap.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain aural disruption of unknown origin, nature, cause or circumstance, that did interfere with the parties' quiet enjoyment of said property, so much so that the party of the first part did precipitously proceed to a near window of said House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of confusion, wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter"the Vehicle") being pulled, propelled and/or drawn by approximately eight (8) diminutive reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus did then provide specific direction, instruction and/or guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and, thus, expressly identified the antlered co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen ("hereinafter "the Deer"). Upon information and belief, it is further averred that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer did intentionally, willfully, and with reckless disregard for the safety of the occupants therein, trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with merchandise, packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, and without invitation, permission or license, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus did break and enter said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red, fur-trimmed suit, which was partially covered with charred residue from the interior of the chimney, and he carried a large sack with which he conveyed, transported or, otherwise, asported or carried a portion of the aforementioned merchandise, packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant, open and notorious violation of local ordinances and public health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the aforementioned pre-hung stockings of the minor children with toys, and other small objects, however, said items do not constitute "gifts" as that term is defined in the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code. Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer conspired and waited and/or served as "lookouts" to further aid and abet the alleged nefarious enterprise.
Claus then immediately fled and/or departed for an unknown destination. However,prior to said departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from the House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
**"Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!"**, or words to that effect.
*Thanks Tom B., Frankfort, KY for the forward!
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said house, in a diligent and workmanlike manner, in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St.Nicholas d/b/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive forthwith.
The minor residents, i.e., children, of the aforementioned House were situated on or about their individual beds and were engaged in hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugarplums, did dance, cavort, frolic, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon I (hereinafter "the party of the first part"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with Mamma (hereinafter "the party of the second part"), and the party of the second part had retired for a sustained period of sleep and/or rest. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of sleepwear and head gear, e.g., kerchief and/or cap.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain aural disruption of unknown origin, nature, cause or circumstance, that did interfere with the parties' quiet enjoyment of said property, so much so that the party of the first part did precipitously proceed to a near window of said House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of confusion, wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter"the Vehicle") being pulled, propelled and/or drawn by approximately eight (8) diminutive reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus did then provide specific direction, instruction and/or guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and, thus, expressly identified the antlered co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen ("hereinafter "the Deer"). Upon information and belief, it is further averred that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer did intentionally, willfully, and with reckless disregard for the safety of the occupants therein, trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with merchandise, packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, and without invitation, permission or license, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus did break and enter said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red, fur-trimmed suit, which was partially covered with charred residue from the interior of the chimney, and he carried a large sack with which he conveyed, transported or, otherwise, asported or carried a portion of the aforementioned merchandise, packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant, open and notorious violation of local ordinances and public health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the aforementioned pre-hung stockings of the minor children with toys, and other small objects, however, said items do not constitute "gifts" as that term is defined in the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code. Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer conspired and waited and/or served as "lookouts" to further aid and abet the alleged nefarious enterprise.
Claus then immediately fled and/or departed for an unknown destination. However,prior to said departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from the House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
**"Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!"**, or words to that effect.
*Thanks Tom B., Frankfort, KY for the forward!
12.20.2006
Fw: Holiday Do You Know Me...
1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?
Egg nog bourbon punch. It packs a wallop and allows me to bear spending the holidays with entire family...
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?
Wrapped under the tree, as I have a tendency to peek.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I
Colored? Too retro. All white darling.
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Yes. Picked up this tradition from T's family. Nothing like making out with him in front of 50 relatives at annual holiday fete to turn him bright red!
5. When do you put your decorations up?
If I have time, the first week or so of December.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Tie: My mother's Spinach Madeline and my father's homemade gumbo.
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child:
The year my father built me a dollhouse in the dining room. He wouldn't let me in there for a week while he put it all together.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I figured it out when I found my mum's holiday stash. I don't know--age 6 or 7?
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Not normally. Maybe if with one portion of family that we won't get to see on Christmas day.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
Special ornaments we collect in our travels or from friends & family, with shiny red or gold balls to bring consistency.
11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
Great for skiing; cruddy for getting to work. (I'm from the deep south people. 50 degrees is artic. We are not snow people...)
12. Can you ice skate?
Yes, but very poorly. Adds to my bruise collection.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Dollhouse and diamond necklace from T. from Tiffany's; any gift from my Mother--her gifts are always thoughtful and sentimental.
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?
Quality family time. And drinking. Can't forget the drinking.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?
Bread pudding, but that's not exactly Christmassy...that's just the time of year when I usually break down and eat it.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Decorating the tree (esp. if with family and or friends); midnight church services.
17. What tops your tree?
A sterling silver cross...I broke my angel. Oops.
18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?
Giving. Hands down.
19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
"Baby It's Cold Outside."
20. Candy canes! Yuck or yum?
Love the soft candy canes--I think they are called "Bob's"--they have the lion on the container...
21. Favorite Christmas movie:
It's a Wonderful Life, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, White Christmas, Holiday Inn--the norms.
22. Favorite Christmas Cartoon:
A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph
*Thank you for the Christmas cheer Scarlet! Chicago, Illinois*
Egg nog bourbon punch. It packs a wallop and allows me to bear spending the holidays with entire family...
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?
Wrapped under the tree, as I have a tendency to peek.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I
Colored? Too retro. All white darling.
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Yes. Picked up this tradition from T's family. Nothing like making out with him in front of 50 relatives at annual holiday fete to turn him bright red!
5. When do you put your decorations up?
If I have time, the first week or so of December.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Tie: My mother's Spinach Madeline and my father's homemade gumbo.
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child:
The year my father built me a dollhouse in the dining room. He wouldn't let me in there for a week while he put it all together.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I figured it out when I found my mum's holiday stash. I don't know--age 6 or 7?
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Not normally. Maybe if with one portion of family that we won't get to see on Christmas day.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
Special ornaments we collect in our travels or from friends & family, with shiny red or gold balls to bring consistency.
11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
Great for skiing; cruddy for getting to work. (I'm from the deep south people. 50 degrees is artic. We are not snow people...)
12. Can you ice skate?
Yes, but very poorly. Adds to my bruise collection.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Dollhouse and diamond necklace from T. from Tiffany's; any gift from my Mother--her gifts are always thoughtful and sentimental.
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?
Quality family time. And drinking. Can't forget the drinking.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?
Bread pudding, but that's not exactly Christmassy...that's just the time of year when I usually break down and eat it.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Decorating the tree (esp. if with family and or friends); midnight church services.
17. What tops your tree?
A sterling silver cross...I broke my angel. Oops.
18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?
Giving. Hands down.
19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
"Baby It's Cold Outside."
20. Candy canes! Yuck or yum?
Love the soft candy canes--I think they are called "Bob's"--they have the lion on the container...
21. Favorite Christmas movie:
It's a Wonderful Life, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, White Christmas, Holiday Inn--the norms.
22. Favorite Christmas Cartoon:
A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph
*Thank you for the Christmas cheer Scarlet! Chicago, Illinois*
12.19.2006
Villere Congratulates Blanco for NOT Contacting Sugar Bowl
(Baton Rouge) - Roger Villere Jr., Chairman of the Republican Party of Louisiana, today formally issued a statement of appreciation to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl to secure an invitation for the LSU Tigers.
“On behalf of LSU fans everywhere, I want to extend my thanks to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl,” Villere said. “According to newspaper reports, the Governor contacted the Rose and Orange Bowls to secure an invitation for LSU and we obviously won’t be playing in either of those contests,” Villere said.
“I fear what might have happened had she called someone in New Orleans at the Sugar Bowl Committee,” he said. “A few more calls by Blanco and the Tigers may have been headed out of the BCS entirely,” Villere said.
Villere suggested that the Governor might adopt slightly different priorities, “The Governor should consider spending more time on the LRA instead of trying to help with LSU’s bowl game. She has already botched the Road Home Program, please leave LSU football alone.”
(Baton Rouge) - Roger Villere Jr., Chairman of the Republican Party of Louisiana, today formally issued a statement of appreciation to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl to secure an invitation for the LSU Tigers.
“On behalf of LSU fans everywhere, I want to extend my thanks to Governor Kathleen Blanco for not contacting the Sugar Bowl,” Villere said. “According to newspaper reports, the Governor contacted the Rose and Orange Bowls to secure an invitation for LSU and we obviously won’t be playing in either of those contests,” Villere said.
“I fear what might have happened had she called someone in New Orleans at the Sugar Bowl Committee,” he said. “A few more calls by Blanco and the Tigers may have been headed out of the BCS entirely,” Villere said.
Villere suggested that the Governor might adopt slightly different priorities, “The Governor should consider spending more time on the LRA instead of trying to help with LSU’s bowl game. She has already botched the Road Home Program, please leave LSU football alone.”
GEAUX TIGERS!12.18.2006
Friendship, Kids & Puppies--Oh My!
A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift 
A friend is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift ...
A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace.
And makes the world we live in a better and happier place.
There is a miracle called friendship, that dwells in the heart. You do not know how it happens or when it gets it's start.
But you know the special lift it always brings.
You realize that friendship is the world's most precious gift!
Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you. Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will. Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-card and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.
12.17.2006
Kentucky Engineering Test
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee Engineer from any Yankee University to take this exam administered by the University of Kentucky Engineering Department:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a) '65 Ford Fairlane
b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Kentucky house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
*Thanks to Molly, Lexington, KY for the forward!
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a) '65 Ford Fairlane
b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Kentucky house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
*Thanks to Molly, Lexington, KY for the forward!
12.16.2006
Fwd: Fw: FOOTBALL . . . QUOTE OF THE WEEK
*Thanks to Stewart, Lexington, Kentucky for the football funny...
12.15.2006
DEAR ABBY
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
-----
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman.You don't need him anymore.You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
*Thanks Taylor, Baton Rouge, Louisiana!
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
-----
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman.You don't need him anymore.You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
*Thanks Taylor, Baton Rouge, Louisiana!
12.14.2006
Fw: Not My Job Award
"Choose a job you love,
and you will never have to work
a day in your life."
-
The official winner of the 'not my job' award:
* Thanks again Ron M., Baltimore, MD!
You get the Super Submitter Award!
12.13.2006
Why I Fired My Secretary
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought...well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
*Thanks to Sean R., Louisiana, for the forward!
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I thought...well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
*Thanks to Sean R., Louisiana, for the forward!
12.12.2006
Re: All About Me
When is your birthday?
Today.
When was the last time you went to the bathroom outside?
Mardi Gras, about 5 years ago
Family member you most resemble?
I'm a pretty even mix of both my parents...
Do you own your own Bible?
Yes.
Do you wear deodorant?
Always.
When was the last time you tripped and fell?
Pick any day. Call me Grace.
Where was the last place you slept besides your home?
A friend's apt. and my Dad's house during Thanksgiving.
What are you listening to?
Legal minds at work.
Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?
No.
Ever run out of gas on the road?
No.
Would you rather cut the grass or rake the leaves?
Cut the grass.
What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Some stupid You Tube video that a friend's husband forwarded to me.
Last time you swam in a pool?
On my honeymoon in Mexico last June.
Have you ever been in a school play?
Grease.
How many kids do you want?
Two.
Type of music you dislike most?
Depends on the day and my hormone levels.
Are you registered to vote?
Yes.
You have cable?
Digital; hard to imagine life without it
Ever prank call anybody?
Years ago--maybe in middle school.
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving. Really want to!
Do you have a garden?
Last year we had one (when we lived on the farm).
What's your favorite comic?
Non Sequiter, Calvin & Hobbes, Scooby Doo.
Bath or Shower?
Bath to relax, shower to get clean.
Best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
The Da Vinci Code
Best pizza topping?
Pepperoni.
Peanuts or popcorn?
Cashews.
Orange Juice or apple juice?
Apple juice (orange juice is too acidic for me unless it's in a Mimosa)
When was the last time you voted at the polls?
This past November.
When was the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
This summer.
Ever order anything from an infomercial?
Yes, Proactive Solution a few years ago.
Sprite or 7-Up?
Sprite.
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work/school?:
I had a uniform (plaid jumper) all throughout high school.
Ever thrown up in public?
Not that I can remember... (That doesn't mean it didn't happen; just that I don't remember...)
Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Who says you can't have true love with a millionaire?
Believe in love at first sight?
Love, maybe. Lust, definitely.
Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
T's great aunt.
What do you think about most?
T. Bills. Dogs. Work. Travel. Shoes.
Favorite form of travel?
Any type. Plane, train, camel. Whatever will take me somewhere else.
If you could have one magical power what would it be?
To make people care, and not to take people for granted.
SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS:
Something within 5 feet of you:
Bella and Zoe Catherine. Lots of dog hair on floor (Blah!)
Is your hair long enough to chew on?
Not at the moment. Just got a trim.
Least favorite color?
Orange & green combo
Ever had Dippin' Dots?
Yes
Ever played an instrument?
No. Sadly, don't have a musical bone in my body.
Ever been to a palm reader?
Yes. In NYC. I pissed her off & she got evil on me!
Last Pez dispenser you purchased?
Years ago.
Ever photograph something that was dead?
Not sure.
Are you ready for the holiday season?
Emotionally-yes; physically-no.
Current disappointment:
The fact that I still haven't finished a legal memo I am working on--answering funny questionnaires instead...
*Thanks for the questionnaire Nancy P., Lexington, KY!
Today.
When was the last time you went to the bathroom outside?
Mardi Gras, about 5 years ago
Family member you most resemble?
I'm a pretty even mix of both my parents...
Do you own your own Bible?
Yes.
Do you wear deodorant?
Always.
When was the last time you tripped and fell?
Pick any day. Call me Grace.
Where was the last place you slept besides your home?
A friend's apt. and my Dad's house during Thanksgiving.
What are you listening to?
Legal minds at work.
Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?
No.
Ever run out of gas on the road?
No.
Would you rather cut the grass or rake the leaves?
Cut the grass.
What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Some stupid You Tube video that a friend's husband forwarded to me.
Last time you swam in a pool?
On my honeymoon in Mexico last June.
Have you ever been in a school play?
Grease.
How many kids do you want?
Two.
Type of music you dislike most?
Depends on the day and my hormone levels.
Are you registered to vote?
Yes.
You have cable?
Digital; hard to imagine life without it
Ever prank call anybody?
Years ago--maybe in middle school.
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Sky diving. Really want to!
Do you have a garden?
Last year we had one (when we lived on the farm).
What's your favorite comic?
Non Sequiter, Calvin & Hobbes, Scooby Doo.
Bath or Shower?
Bath to relax, shower to get clean.
Best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
The Da Vinci Code
Best pizza topping?
Pepperoni.
Peanuts or popcorn?
Cashews.
Orange Juice or apple juice?
Apple juice (orange juice is too acidic for me unless it's in a Mimosa)
When was the last time you voted at the polls?
This past November.
When was the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
This summer.
Ever order anything from an infomercial?
Yes, Proactive Solution a few years ago.
Sprite or 7-Up?
Sprite.
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work/school?:
I had a uniform (plaid jumper) all throughout high school.
Ever thrown up in public?
Not that I can remember... (That doesn't mean it didn't happen; just that I don't remember...)
Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Who says you can't have true love with a millionaire?
Believe in love at first sight?
Love, maybe. Lust, definitely.
Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
T's great aunt.
What do you think about most?
T. Bills. Dogs. Work. Travel. Shoes.
Favorite form of travel?
Any type. Plane, train, camel. Whatever will take me somewhere else.
If you could have one magical power what would it be?
To make people care, and not to take people for granted.
SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS:
Something within 5 feet of you:
Bella and Zoe Catherine. Lots of dog hair on floor (Blah!)
Is your hair long enough to chew on?
Not at the moment. Just got a trim.
Least favorite color?
Orange & green combo
Ever had Dippin' Dots?
Yes
Ever played an instrument?
No. Sadly, don't have a musical bone in my body.
Ever been to a palm reader?
Yes. In NYC. I pissed her off & she got evil on me!
Last Pez dispenser you purchased?
Years ago.
Ever photograph something that was dead?
Not sure.
Are you ready for the holiday season?
Emotionally-yes; physically-no.
Current disappointment:
The fact that I still haven't finished a legal memo I am working on--answering funny questionnaires instead...
*Thanks for the questionnaire Nancy P., Lexington, KY!
12.11.2006
History of a beloved curse word...
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
*Thanks to Ron M., Baltimore, Maryland
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
*Thanks to Ron M., Baltimore, Maryland
12.10.2006
12.09.2006
How to Protect a Child Online
MY SPACE: A Must Read for All who have children or grandchildren
EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE YOUR CHILDREN READ IT TOO!
After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
ByAngel213: Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!
GoTo123: LOL you watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?
ByAngel213: Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out.
GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?
ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.
GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today?
ByAngel213: Yes and we won!!
GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play?
ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL
GoTo123: What is your team called?
ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool.
GoTo123: Did you pitch?
ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye!
GoTo123: Catch you later. Bye
Meanwhile... GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.
Her name: Shannon
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985
Age: 13
State where she lived: North Carolina
Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall.
Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School. She had told him all this in the conversations they had on-line. He had enough information to find her now.
Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she were not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective.
By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her. Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.
After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.
Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.
Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.
Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.
"Shannon, come here, "her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.
"Sit down, "her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story about you."
Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!
"Do you know who I am, Shannon?" the man asked.
"No," Shannon answered.
"I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123."
Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo123 is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan!"
The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon, there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."
Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan?"
He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh. It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?"
She nodded.
"I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?"
"It's a promise!"
That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.
*****NOW*****
Please send this to as many people as you can to teach them not to give any information about themselves. This world we live in today is too dangerous to even give out your age, let alone anything else.
EVEN FORWARD THIS TO PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS SO THEY CAN SEND IT TO FRIENDS THAT DO HAVE CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN.
*Thanks for this forward Ron, bastion of safety! xo, L
EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE YOUR CHILDREN READ IT TOO!
After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
ByAngel213: Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!
GoTo123: LOL you watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?
ByAngel213: Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out.
GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?
ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.
GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today?
ByAngel213: Yes and we won!!
GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play?
ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL
GoTo123: What is your team called?
ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool.
GoTo123: Did you pitch?
ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye!
GoTo123: Catch you later. Bye
Meanwhile... GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.
Her name: Shannon
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985
Age: 13
State where she lived: North Carolina
Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall.
Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School. She had told him all this in the conversations they had on-line. He had enough information to find her now.
Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she were not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective.
By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her. Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.
After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.
Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.
Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.
Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.
"Shannon, come here, "her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.
"Sit down, "her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story about you."
Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!
"Do you know who I am, Shannon?" the man asked.
"No," Shannon answered.
"I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123."
Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo123 is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan!"
The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon, there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."
Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan?"
He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh. It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?"
She nodded.
"I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?"
"It's a promise!"
That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.
*****NOW*****
Please send this to as many people as you can to teach them not to give any information about themselves. This world we live in today is too dangerous to even give out your age, let alone anything else.
EVEN FORWARD THIS TO PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS SO THEY CAN SEND IT TO FRIENDS THAT DO HAVE CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN.
*Thanks for this forward Ron, bastion of safety! xo, L
12.08.2006
Holiday Party Excuse Generator
Holiday Party Excuse Generator
What: You describe the undesirable soiree; it whips up a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.
Why: You may be excused.
Where: Online at holiday.enlighten.com.
*Great Idea care of www.dailycandy.com.
What: You describe the undesirable soiree; it whips up a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.
Why: You may be excused.
Where: Online at holiday.enlighten.com.
*Great Idea care of www.dailycandy.com.
12.07.2006
12.06.2006
Don't Use Your Cruise Control in Icy or Rainy Conditions...
NEVER KNEW THIS ...
(Per Snopes.com, this is actually true...)
I wonder how many people know about this?
A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore, Texas, she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!
When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She had thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain. But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on and your car begins to hydro-plane when your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed and you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.
The patrolman said this warning should be listed on the driver's seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed - but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.
The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.
If you send this to 15 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was all worth it. You might have saved a life.
(Per Snopes.com, this is actually true...)
I wonder how many people know about this?
A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore, Texas, she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!
When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She had thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain. But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on and your car begins to hydro-plane when your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed and you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.
The patrolman said this warning should be listed on the driver's seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed - but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.
The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.
If you send this to 15 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was all worth it. You might have saved a life.
12.05.2006
Fw: None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
-
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
-
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
-
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
-
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
-
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
-
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
-
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
-
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
-
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
-
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
-
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!
12.04.2006
Watermelons and Eggshells
These are truly incredible.
You'll love the watermelons,
but you'll be blown away by the eggs!
-
WATERMELONS AND EGGSHELLS
These egg shells were cut with a high intensity precision Laser Beam. This gives a very good idea of what can be achieved with a Laser Beam. From this can be surmised what laser surgery performed on one's eye is all about. Is it any wonder how one's vision can be improved in just a few moments? Science is sometimes wonderful, and it's still on the frontier of gaining new knowledge.
Incredible what can be done with an eggshell and a laser beam!
"A true friend is someone who knows you're
a good egg even if you're a little cracked."
a good egg even if you're a little cracked."
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